Our sweet baby girl is 6 weeks old. I've been a mama for 6 weeks and have loved every bit of it. I honestly can't picture my life without that sweet girl. Everything we've been through has truly been worth it just to have her in our arms. Yes, all these years of struggles with infertility and even the recent failed adoptions over these past 8 years have all been worth it. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't suffer from quiet struggles within. You know, that slight tugging of your heart when you find out someone you know is pregnant...again. I'm happy for them. I'm happy with my sweet baby. But there's still that inner part of me that secretly longs to carry a child within me. A child that is part me and part my husband. While one ache within my heart has been made whole, another still looms. I now get to laugh and identify with other moms and their joys and struggles. But there's still that conversation that I just can't identify with.....pregnancy and giving birth. Those sayings "Oh, they get that from me or their daddy." I truly am content with this child I've been blessed with. I love her with everything I have. I'm even open to adopt again in the future. It still doesn't take away from that basic natural desire that most women have.....to conceive and have a child. I've been pregnant twice for such a short period of time. I didn't love it. It wasn't pleasant. I don't particularly want to gain all that weight, retain water, be in constant pain, swollen, in a permanent state of exhaustion, etc. But if I have to go through all that just to feel little flutters and kicks within my body knowing that my husband and I have created a new life, then yeah, I want all that.
All that being said, I've learned to be content with what I've been blessed with. I do not for one second take my sweet baby girl for granted or wish that she was someone else. She truly is my gift from God. He chose me to be her mama. I don't know why, but he did. I will take that job seriously for the rest of my life. Should he so choose to give me another child, either through adoption or through my own womb, I will take that job just as seriously. My baby girl's arrival in this world and in our family is truly a great story. A story that I want to write and share with her one day with pride and honor. I want her to always know how truly special she is to me and her father. We continue to thank God for her every day. We also continue to pray for more children....though adoption or natural means. I believe I've always been called to be a parent and to help children. That's one of the reasons I became a teacher. I have always just naturally been drawn to children. They truly are a blessing, even when they try to convince you otherwise.
My prayer is that I always remain thankful for what I've been blessed with and never take it for granted. I know there are women out there that are still waiting on their blessing. I pray that I always take the job of mama seriously and that I do it in the way God would have me do it....that His will be done.
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am in to be content." Philippians 4:11 ESV
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Sunday, May 13, 2018
My First Mother's Day....A Truly Happy Day
My first Mother's Day....a day I've been dreaming about for years. Today also marks the day that my baby would've been a year old. I look back and think about the 3 angels I have in Heaven....4 year old twins and a 1 year old. Mother's Day has been bittersweet for me. I love celebrating my wonderful mother, but I've been longing for someone to call me "mama" for so long. So getting to snuggle my sweet Hannah all day today knowing that she is mine to love for always brought such joy to my heart. It also warms my heart to receive messages from her birth parents on this special day wishing me a happy first Mother's Day and how happy they are that they could bless us with this gift. I love their sweet, thoughtful hearts.
Today wasn't over the top, but it was perfect for me. Hannah managed to stay clean in her special Mother's Day outfit that I got for her. She was a champ through all the pictures we took today. Her and her daddy collaborated on a special painting for me. I love how Cooper wrote a message from Hannah in my Mother's Day card on on the back of my painting. So stinking cute! Cooper also bought my flowers and cupcakes. I chose a pendant that has Hannah's name engraved on the front with her birthstone and her birthday engraved on the back with her birthstone. We celebrated by having dinner with Cooper's parents at their house. Just a simple day filled with love and baby snuggles.
We've had our Hannah girl for a whole month now. I can hardly believe it. I am a mom! I have a baby girl! I still just can't believe this is my life now. I feel I'm doing pretty good rocking this mom life. It's not always easy, but I'm loving every minute of it. Anytime I think about a complaint, I just think to myself that this is what I've prayed for. Be thankful.
"Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!" 2 Corinthians 9:15 ESV
Today wasn't over the top, but it was perfect for me. Hannah managed to stay clean in her special Mother's Day outfit that I got for her. She was a champ through all the pictures we took today. Her and her daddy collaborated on a special painting for me. I love how Cooper wrote a message from Hannah in my Mother's Day card on on the back of my painting. So stinking cute! Cooper also bought my flowers and cupcakes. I chose a pendant that has Hannah's name engraved on the front with her birthstone and her birthday engraved on the back with her birthstone. We celebrated by having dinner with Cooper's parents at their house. Just a simple day filled with love and baby snuggles.
We've had our Hannah girl for a whole month now. I can hardly believe it. I am a mom! I have a baby girl! I still just can't believe this is my life now. I feel I'm doing pretty good rocking this mom life. It's not always easy, but I'm loving every minute of it. Anytime I think about a complaint, I just think to myself that this is what I've prayed for. Be thankful.
"Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!" 2 Corinthians 9:15 ESV
In honor of my sweet angel who was due on 5/13/17
In honor of my sweet twin angels that were due on 3/31/14
Friday, May 4, 2018
That Life Changing Call
I can't believe I'm finally getting to write this post. It's a post I've only dreamed about writing since I started this blog. I've heard stories of this happening. I just didn't want to believe it could happen to me. But it totally did! You know, that "out of the blue here's a baby for you just come and get her" sort of thing. It almost seems to good to be true. Everyone kept telling me God's timing is the perfect timing. While we all shake our head and agree with everyone when they say that, sometimes it can be hard to believe. This is true when you've had so many heartbreaks on your journey. I can honestly say, they were right. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I was somewhat prepared, but not expecting anything. I had gotten ahead of the game at work. I had exactly 38 days of paid leave, and there was exactly 38 days left of school when I got "the call." So here's our story of God's perfect timing to make the Browning's a family of 3.....
It was April 10th....
At work that day I was really getting stuff done. I had my grades done and finalized ready for report cards. I had my appraisal stuff all done ready for my final meeting. Lesson plans were done and submitted. Check. Check. Check. As I looked in my Google drive at the long term sub plans I'd typed in early January, I had a sad thought that I might as well delete them since I wasn't going to be needing them this school year. Yet, I just couldn't make myself do it.
Later at home I realize I'm out of baby wipes (I really like to use them). I don't want to go to the store, so I go into the "nursery" where I have a ton of wipes from a shower back in December. I think to myself, "I might as well use these. I don't think I'll be needing them anytime soon."
At 5:00 that evening I'm putting away dishes and looking at the clock thinking: "It's only 3:00 in Arizona. They're still working. There's still time for them to send me some intakes for a baby...."
15 minutes later.........
My phone rings. It's Dana. I knew it wasn't bad news. There's only one other possibility. But it couldn't be....or could it? Dana pretty much asks me if Cooper and I want to get on a plane to Phoenix to go get a baby girl. You can imagine my shock. She tells me to call Becky (our case worker) for details. When I call Becky, she gives me all the details on our baby girl. She was born on April 6th and was beautiful and healthy. She was going to be discharged in a couple of days. Consents were being signed that night. It was all becoming too real. We did have to wait a few days before the final consents were signed, and there was some minor drama, but it really wasn't too bad. We booked a flight out for Thursday afternoon. That would give me plenty of time to pack. I wasn't going to Arizona in the state I went last time. Nope. I'd be prepared! Next, I make all the phone calls.
April 11th.....
I go to work thinking I'm going to have the day to get things in order. Ha! I get a phone call around 12:30 saying my baby is being discharged today. Well, guess I'm headed to Arizona a day early. Basically, I had to up and leave right away if I was going to pack and get things in order before our evening flight. And that's what I did. Man! Was I glad that I got ahead! I went straight home and started making preparations. Our flight kept getting delayed, so I changed it to a flight that had a small layover in New Mexico.
It was April 10th....
At work that day I was really getting stuff done. I had my grades done and finalized ready for report cards. I had my appraisal stuff all done ready for my final meeting. Lesson plans were done and submitted. Check. Check. Check. As I looked in my Google drive at the long term sub plans I'd typed in early January, I had a sad thought that I might as well delete them since I wasn't going to be needing them this school year. Yet, I just couldn't make myself do it.
Later at home I realize I'm out of baby wipes (I really like to use them). I don't want to go to the store, so I go into the "nursery" where I have a ton of wipes from a shower back in December. I think to myself, "I might as well use these. I don't think I'll be needing them anytime soon."
At 5:00 that evening I'm putting away dishes and looking at the clock thinking: "It's only 3:00 in Arizona. They're still working. There's still time for them to send me some intakes for a baby...."
15 minutes later.........
My phone rings. It's Dana. I knew it wasn't bad news. There's only one other possibility. But it couldn't be....or could it? Dana pretty much asks me if Cooper and I want to get on a plane to Phoenix to go get a baby girl. You can imagine my shock. She tells me to call Becky (our case worker) for details. When I call Becky, she gives me all the details on our baby girl. She was born on April 6th and was beautiful and healthy. She was going to be discharged in a couple of days. Consents were being signed that night. It was all becoming too real. We did have to wait a few days before the final consents were signed, and there was some minor drama, but it really wasn't too bad. We booked a flight out for Thursday afternoon. That would give me plenty of time to pack. I wasn't going to Arizona in the state I went last time. Nope. I'd be prepared! Next, I make all the phone calls.
April 11th.....
I go to work thinking I'm going to have the day to get things in order. Ha! I get a phone call around 12:30 saying my baby is being discharged today. Well, guess I'm headed to Arizona a day early. Basically, I had to up and leave right away if I was going to pack and get things in order before our evening flight. And that's what I did. Man! Was I glad that I got ahead! I went straight home and started making preparations. Our flight kept getting delayed, so I changed it to a flight that had a small layover in New Mexico.
A much needed Starbucks run on the way to the airport. I don't care if it's after 5:00 pm, I was in for a long night.
Just hanging out in Albuquerque, NM on the plane anxiously waiting to get to our daughter!!!
While we were waiting, we took that opportunity to check our messages. This picture of our baby girl was waiting on us. Our first glimpse at the beauty that would soon be our daughter!!!
By the time we get to Phoenix, get our bags, get our car, and arrive at the house we're staying at....it's after 10:30 (AZ time). We are exhausted, but so excited. Becky was in the kitchen with Tom and Susan (our gracious hosts) where she turned that kitchen into a delivery room and presented us with our daughter!!!
Our first time meeting our baby girl. We couldn't believe how tiny she was!!! She weighed only 4 lbs and 13 oz when she was discharged from the hospital!
If you can't tell, I'm so in love. It was definitely love at first sight/snuggle!
Our first family picture!
We spent the next 2 weeks in Phoenix as we anxiously awaited the "all clear" to head back home to Texas. Details about our stay in AZ coming soon.....
Hannah Emily Faith Browning
Born: Friday, April 6, 2018
Weight: 5 lbs 7 oz
Length: 17 1/4 in
How we chose her name:
Hannah: Hannah in the Bible prayed to God for a son, and the Lord heard her prayer and gave her Samuel
Emily: Her birth mother gave her the name Emily, and we wanted her to have a name that represented her birth parents and her adoptive parents
Faith: We prayed to God and had faith that he would hear our prayers and send us a child to love
Browning: Baby girl will legally have our name sometime in late October!!!
"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him."
1 Samuel 1:27 ESV
Saturday, March 31, 2018
The Roller Coaster continues
So when I wrote my last post I had just received a phone call saying we were matched again with a birth mom due in August. We felt really good about this birth mom based off the information we had. She was older and had placed with this agency before. Things appeared to be going our way. This one would work out for sure, right?
Well, we never did the paperwork since we were waiting on her next doctor appointment to find out the gender and the updated due date. We waited a couple of weeks. Finally we heard that there was appointment scheduled for Wednesday and we get a call after. Well Wednesday came and we didn't get a call. Except we did. It came at 9:00 that night from Dana. I instantly knew it was not good news. We found out nature had interfered in our plans. Our birth mom miscarried. I know all too well what that feeling is like. I've been through 2 miscarriages. They are awful. Physically and emotionally. I was sad for our birth mom. Even though she didn't intend on keeping her baby, she did plan on her baby having a good life with someone else. She wanted that for her unborn baby. The pain of a loss of a life that has yet begun is tragic. I've experienced it in my own life and the life of others close to me. We also mourned the loss of yet another baby that was placed on our hearts. We still don't understand why we are experiencing so much loss in this area of our lives. 2 failed pregnancies. 2 failed adoption attempts. I feel really tested right now. My faith and strength is really being put to the test.
While I may feel tested, I also feel so much love from everyone in my life. So many people praying and desiring this for us. There are many people invested in our journey. It really makes me grateful that there are so many people who want to love on us and support us on our journey. We have the Sacred Selections fundraiser coming up in May. We are so very honored to be the family for this Spring's fundraiser. I think it will truly be a humbling experience to see everyone come out in support of us and our adoption journey. I don't know when the next baby will come along. Cooper and I were talking about this the other day. He thinks we will hear something around the end of April or sometime in May. I'm thinking it will be over the summer. I hope he is right and I am wrong. We were almost exactly 2 months removed from our last situation when we got the call that we were matched again.
Things have not been working in my favor to have our own children either. We've started trying again, but just can't seem to get pregnant. I don't know what else to do. Financial strain prevents us from seeking more answers. Insurance just doesn't cover stuff like that for us. So we either keep trying, or just accept what is. I know adoption is a more realistic option for us. Either way, pregnancy or not, I know that I want to adopt. It's hard to start this journey and see all these children that need homes and not go through with it. At the same time, I'm concerned for how much heartbreak I can take. I like to think of myself as a strong person, but I wonder how far my strength reaches. How much can I take before I'm just done? I really don't want to find out. I'd rather not be pushed to the limit. I'm constantly reminded of the saying: "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it!"
I've started journaling,too. Actually handwriting all my thoughts is a lot of work! I have so much to say that my hand cramps. Once I get started, I just let everything go. People keep telling me one day all this will be worth it. When we have that baby in our arms, hear "mama" or "dada" the first time, watch them grow up and achieve things, etc....it will make all the pain and heartache worth it. I just have to keep that thought with me. I know there are so many children out there that need a home. I keep telling myself that it's not a matter of "if", it's just a matter of "when."
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ~Jeremiah 29:11
Well, we never did the paperwork since we were waiting on her next doctor appointment to find out the gender and the updated due date. We waited a couple of weeks. Finally we heard that there was appointment scheduled for Wednesday and we get a call after. Well Wednesday came and we didn't get a call. Except we did. It came at 9:00 that night from Dana. I instantly knew it was not good news. We found out nature had interfered in our plans. Our birth mom miscarried. I know all too well what that feeling is like. I've been through 2 miscarriages. They are awful. Physically and emotionally. I was sad for our birth mom. Even though she didn't intend on keeping her baby, she did plan on her baby having a good life with someone else. She wanted that for her unborn baby. The pain of a loss of a life that has yet begun is tragic. I've experienced it in my own life and the life of others close to me. We also mourned the loss of yet another baby that was placed on our hearts. We still don't understand why we are experiencing so much loss in this area of our lives. 2 failed pregnancies. 2 failed adoption attempts. I feel really tested right now. My faith and strength is really being put to the test.
While I may feel tested, I also feel so much love from everyone in my life. So many people praying and desiring this for us. There are many people invested in our journey. It really makes me grateful that there are so many people who want to love on us and support us on our journey. We have the Sacred Selections fundraiser coming up in May. We are so very honored to be the family for this Spring's fundraiser. I think it will truly be a humbling experience to see everyone come out in support of us and our adoption journey. I don't know when the next baby will come along. Cooper and I were talking about this the other day. He thinks we will hear something around the end of April or sometime in May. I'm thinking it will be over the summer. I hope he is right and I am wrong. We were almost exactly 2 months removed from our last situation when we got the call that we were matched again.
Things have not been working in my favor to have our own children either. We've started trying again, but just can't seem to get pregnant. I don't know what else to do. Financial strain prevents us from seeking more answers. Insurance just doesn't cover stuff like that for us. So we either keep trying, or just accept what is. I know adoption is a more realistic option for us. Either way, pregnancy or not, I know that I want to adopt. It's hard to start this journey and see all these children that need homes and not go through with it. At the same time, I'm concerned for how much heartbreak I can take. I like to think of myself as a strong person, but I wonder how far my strength reaches. How much can I take before I'm just done? I really don't want to find out. I'd rather not be pushed to the limit. I'm constantly reminded of the saying: "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it!"
I've started journaling,too. Actually handwriting all my thoughts is a lot of work! I have so much to say that my hand cramps. Once I get started, I just let everything go. People keep telling me one day all this will be worth it. When we have that baby in our arms, hear "mama" or "dada" the first time, watch them grow up and achieve things, etc....it will make all the pain and heartache worth it. I just have to keep that thought with me. I know there are so many children out there that need a home. I keep telling myself that it's not a matter of "if", it's just a matter of "when."
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ~Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
No vs. Not Now
It's been about a month since my last update. I've been struggling with what to say. I will say that I am just now getting back to my normal self. By normal, I mean not breaking into random fits of tears. That first month to month and a half that we were back was a crazy emotional roller coaster. There was one weekend where I cried pretty much the whole weekend. I Could. Not. Stop! I'd be driving down the road. Tears. I'd be watching TV. Tears. I'd be sitting in church. Tears. I had to get up from the service, go to the back bathroom, and just sit on the floor and ugly cry for like 20 minutes. I didn't realize it at the time, but my mood had seeped into my work. I guess I didn't realize how bad I'd been feeling since coming back to our "normal." These past 2-3 weeks have been much better. No random tears. Just a peace. I'd been struggling with wondering if God was telling me "no" or "not right now." It's really hard to know the difference. The last time I wrote, we had 2 babies that were a possibility since our disruption. Then we went a whole month without a single intake. The only communication came from our case worker one Monday afternoon. She was just checking in on us, telling us to keep the faith and that she was praying for us. I just had a feeling that was God's way of telling me that he's still here with us on this journey. We're not forgotten. Just wait a little longer.
This past Friday afternoon we received 2 intakes. Twin boys coming in early July and a baby girl coming mid August. Of course, we sent word that we were definitely interested in both. Then Monday afternoon we receive another intake for a baby coming in mid-August. Gender currently unknown. Yes! We are interested. We will always be interested. It doesn't matter the gender or race. We are ready to open our home and hearts to a child in need of a loving home. That sweet child will not care what color skin their parents have, so why should their perspective parents care what color skin they will have? We were just praying for each of these birth mothers that they were at peace with their decision and that we would feel "right" to one of them. You want to talk about a humbling experience....knowing that someone CHOSE you to raise their child when they could not. I never knew the feeling that would invoke in me. If that doesn't make you want to strive to be the best parent you could be, I don't know what will. I just hope that one day I look back on this when I'm feeling discouraged as a parent and remember that I was chosen. Chosen by a woman who knew she wanted a chance for her baby that she couldn't give them at that time. Chosen by God to help this sweet soul find their place in the world and in His kingdom.
Remember what I said about being tear free? Apparently writing this brings out the tears.....
Now we wait. Wait to be chosen. Wait for communication. Wait for the birth. Wait for bringing our new baby home. Wait on God to show his perfect timing. I still wish I could fully understand what God is teaching me through this journey. I have some thoughts. Just as soon as I think I know, well I don't know. What I do know is that continuous prayers to the Father is what will bring us through. It will help through the waiting.
This past Friday afternoon we received 2 intakes. Twin boys coming in early July and a baby girl coming mid August. Of course, we sent word that we were definitely interested in both. Then Monday afternoon we receive another intake for a baby coming in mid-August. Gender currently unknown. Yes! We are interested. We will always be interested. It doesn't matter the gender or race. We are ready to open our home and hearts to a child in need of a loving home. That sweet child will not care what color skin their parents have, so why should their perspective parents care what color skin they will have? We were just praying for each of these birth mothers that they were at peace with their decision and that we would feel "right" to one of them. You want to talk about a humbling experience....knowing that someone CHOSE you to raise their child when they could not. I never knew the feeling that would invoke in me. If that doesn't make you want to strive to be the best parent you could be, I don't know what will. I just hope that one day I look back on this when I'm feeling discouraged as a parent and remember that I was chosen. Chosen by a woman who knew she wanted a chance for her baby that she couldn't give them at that time. Chosen by God to help this sweet soul find their place in the world and in His kingdom.
Remember what I said about being tear free? Apparently writing this brings out the tears.....
Now we wait. Wait to be chosen. Wait for communication. Wait for the birth. Wait for bringing our new baby home. Wait on God to show his perfect timing. I still wish I could fully understand what God is teaching me through this journey. I have some thoughts. Just as soon as I think I know, well I don't know. What I do know is that continuous prayers to the Father is what will bring us through. It will help through the waiting.
"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith."
Matthew 21:22
Sunday, February 4, 2018
The Call
It has taken me a while to get this post written because I needed to process the multitude of emotions I've been feeling these past weeks since my last post. They weren't kidding when they said it would be a roller coaster of emotions on this journey. Let's start at the beginning....
January 14th
This started like any other Sunday. It was the second Sunday of the month. After church I went to meet up with my best gal pals for our monthly lunch. I drove to Plano to meet up for burgers then coffee. We talked all things baby and a little bit of wedding (since one of them is getting married in April). As we were sitting and chatting about my upcoming adventure, in head I was thinking of all the things that I needed to get done on my day off the following day since this baby was coming soon. Then I had the sneaking thought....what if we got the call today? I drive straight from Plano to evening services. Towards the end of services I get up to use the restroom, leaving my phone in the pew. As I'm exiting the restroom to head back to the auditorium, my watch starts vibrating. It's our case worker. I know exactly what that means. We make a quick exit and frantically head home to throw items in a suit case and find the first flight out to Phoenix. Luckily, I'd packed the baby's suitcase a week or so earlier. We were going to get our suit cases packed the next day. You know what they say: the best laid plans.....
As I'm frantically trying to remember what I need to survive on a daily basis to put in my suitcase, I'm also making phone calls and trying to get a flight booked. I finally give in and ask our friends, James and Kelli, to come over and help us out with logistics. As it turned out, we couldn't fly Southwest since there were no more flights for a Sunday evening. We ended up booking the 8:30 on American. By now it was after 6:00. We did make it to our flight with plenty of time to spare. We knew we were in for a long night. We found out that once we landed, we would have to make a 3 hour drive south where our birth mother was located. By the time we landed and got our bags and our car and were on the road, it was after 11:00 pm. We'd been up since 7:30 that morning and going ever since. We completely skipped dinner in all the hustle and bustle. There was no where to stop on the way to where we were going once we got on the road. It was a long, dark drive with Cooper snoring in the passenger seat beside me. We get a text that our baby was born at 11:55 and all looked well. We got a hotel room around 3:00 am and got a few hours of sleep before another long day.
January 15th
We thought we'd be heading to the hospital around 9 that morning. However, it was closer to noon before we got there and got to meet our sweet boy. We spent the whole day in the NICU holding him and feeding him. We took a few moments to sneak out for a good meal at Olive Garden and grab a Starbucks to refuel for the long evening ahead. We decided to head back to our hotel around 10 that evening to get a good night's rest since we knew it would probably be the last one for a long while.
January 16th
We arrive at the hospital a little after 8 that morning. Baby boy had been moved since the previous day. We were surprised to see a young girl sitting in the chair holding him. Immediately, I started having an overwhelming amount of emotions sweep over me. Questions were bouncing around in my head: I thought she didn't want to see him? What does this mean? Has she changed her mind? What happens now? What do I say? What do I do? HELP!!!!
This was our first time to meet her. We'd only spoken on the phone twice since we were matched. She smiles and gets out of the chair and asks if we have a name for him yet. We tell her the name we have chosen for him. She hands the baby over to us and takes a seat across from us. The next few minutes are filled with small talk as we try to get to know this young girl who has just given birth to our son and is making a difficult decision. The whole time I'm watching her expression every time the baby moves or fusses. I can see the pain and sorrow on her face. And I worry. I was told that she may change her mind about seeing him, and that was OK. In fact, it was preferred because it would help give her closure. So I tried to focus on that fact. I had to get up to make a phone call. Cooper was left alone with her and the baby. When I return, she is gone. Cooper said he offered to let her hold him again, and she declined and went to get some breakfast. We sat and waited a few more hours to be discharged. As I'm being wheeled out, they stop us. She wanted to see him one last time. Again, cue the anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to oblige to any request she had because I knew what a great sacrifice she was making. I wanted to make sure that I was kind and gracious to this sweet girl who was giving a piece of her heart to a complete stranger. She had some time with the baby before I entered the room. We held each other and the baby as we cried all the emotional tears. Her tears for a baby she was letting go. My tears for a young, scared girl that was trying to do the best she could. I wanted her to know more than anything that we loved her for her choice and that her baby would be loved and cared for. The pain I felt as they wheeled me out with the baby as she sat and watched can never be truly put in words. I can't even attempt to imagine what was going through her mind as she watches another women she just met be wheeled out with her baby after she had labored hard with him. My heart was breaking for her. We make the 3 hour drive back to Phoenix with our sweet boy as our case manager stays behind with our birth mother to make sure she is alright before she is discharged.
I will never forget my first 3 hours of motherhood and traveling a long distance with a newborn. There is nowhere, and I mean nowhere, to stop on this 3 hour drive. Luckily, we fed and changed him right before we got on the road. However, as we got closer to Phoenix and found a rest stop, we had the feeling a diaper change was needed. And it was. He had a mini blowout. We got that cleaned up and got back on our way. Then as we're about 40 minutes from our destination, he starts to get fussy. We have to pull over in a Loves parking lot. This time, there was so much poop we were in shock and awe. All the while, he is screaming! Messy pants and hangry. As Cooper and I tag team a diaper change in the back of a Ford Focus in the parking lot of Loves, I just keep thinking.....this is our new normal. We get him fed and changed and back on the road. We make it safely to our destination.
We so enjoyed the family we stayed with! They were such a delight with a beautiful home and the coolest kids. I'm sad there is so much distance between us because I'm sure Cooper found his long lost best friend in Aaron. Had our stay continued as planned, I'm sure those two would have had such fun together. We had a long night ahead of us. Poor baby boy would not sleep. He cried every time we put him down. Cooper and I took shifts caring for him throughout the night so we could get a little sleep. It was exhausting for sure.
January 17th
Today we had to go to the agency to finish our part of the paperwork. We were less than 24 hours away from consents being signed. Arizona law says consents cannot be signed for 72 hours after birth. So we were just waiting. When we arrived, I inquired about our birth mom and how she was feeling. They admitted that she was still emotional. She would meet with the counselor later and we would know a little bit more after that. Our case worker was so wonderful. She was so kind and patient with us and did her best to put our minds at ease. I wish I could say that it worked, but I'd be lying. I was a nervous wreck. Something just wasn't sitting right with me after the previous day. But I knew that I had to give it to God and let his plan work. We left the agency and went to Target to get a few things and to grab some food from Chick-fil-A. When we arrived at the house and started to unload the car, I got a phone call from our case worker. I knew at once it wasn't good. We had just left her not an hour earlier. I could tell from the way she uttered my name on her first breath that I was about to have my heart broken into a thousand pieces. I received the news that I was most afraid of....she wasn't going to go through with the adoption. She didn't realize how hard it was going to be, and she just couldn't do it. Oh, how I cried and cried. I had so many emotions going through me all at once. Anger, sadness, bitterness, confusion, regret. You name it, I had it. I even wondered why God was taking another child away from me! I even said that I couldn't do this again. This was the 3rd time I had motherhood ripped away from me. However, once I had time to process and reflect and talk with several people, those feelings began to subside. I will never forget the last time I held him as I fed him. The way Cooper held him while he stared up at him with those big eyes. The moment he was literally taken from our arms and driven away. In some ways, this hurt worse than my own personal losses. We actually held him, clothed him, changed him, fed him, loved him, and even named him. I never got that far with either of my pregnancies.
A phone call to Dana really helped me get through those hard moments following his departure. As we talked, I knew that our story wasn't finished. We had so much love to give to a child who needs it. We weren't stopping. She told us that we'd go to the top of the list and we'd have our sweet baby. She put us in contact with 2 other families who were in Phoenix awaiting the adoption of their little ones, too. We connected with a couple from Indiana who was there adopting their second baby. We spent all of Thursday with them and their family. We met a couple from West Virginia who was there awaiting the arrival of their second adopted child. They have walked a similar journey with plans that didn't work out. It was really an inspiration talking with them. We've been talking ever since. As I'm writing this, they are awaiting the paper work to bring their sweet boy home. The outpouring of love and support from Christians that we just met was indescribable. To feel that love and support through a difficult time when you're far from home and far from friends and family is a blessing.
January 18th
We spent today visiting with a family from Indiana. We played with their kids and had a great visit. They were staying with the parents of the family we were staying with. It was a beautiful day on a beautiful piece of property in Arizona. We spent the whole day with them. We enjoyed a delicious dinner and even some games before heading back and getting ready for our trip back home the next day.
We returned home the next day.
Now what?
Well we've been back two weeks. It's been nice to be back in our normal routine. I'm a girl who thrives on that routine. The baby's bag is still packed. The nursery is under construction. Paint is finished. Floors are installed. The closet is finished. It's time to add furniture and wall decor. We know that our baby is coming. That Tuesday after we came back, we received a text from our case worker about a potential baby. We found out that Thursday that it didn't work out, but that she was trying! This past Friday afternoon we received another possible baby that is being born on February 14th. Our profile will be shown on Tuesday. So now we wait. We wait to see if we've been chosen to be the parents of this Valentines baby. We wait to see if God has another baby planned for us. As we wait, we wait knowing that God is faithful. His plan far outweighs our own. Each day is a new struggle. I've had many sleepless nights since our return. I've shed many tears, and will probably continue to do so. But I know this is a journey. One day I hope to look back on all this and say, "This was all worth it. YOU were all worth it!"
I shared this verse the day we found out the adoption fell through. I feel this verse is truly fitting the situation we are in: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
January 14th
This started like any other Sunday. It was the second Sunday of the month. After church I went to meet up with my best gal pals for our monthly lunch. I drove to Plano to meet up for burgers then coffee. We talked all things baby and a little bit of wedding (since one of them is getting married in April). As we were sitting and chatting about my upcoming adventure, in head I was thinking of all the things that I needed to get done on my day off the following day since this baby was coming soon. Then I had the sneaking thought....what if we got the call today? I drive straight from Plano to evening services. Towards the end of services I get up to use the restroom, leaving my phone in the pew. As I'm exiting the restroom to head back to the auditorium, my watch starts vibrating. It's our case worker. I know exactly what that means. We make a quick exit and frantically head home to throw items in a suit case and find the first flight out to Phoenix. Luckily, I'd packed the baby's suitcase a week or so earlier. We were going to get our suit cases packed the next day. You know what they say: the best laid plans.....
As I'm frantically trying to remember what I need to survive on a daily basis to put in my suitcase, I'm also making phone calls and trying to get a flight booked. I finally give in and ask our friends, James and Kelli, to come over and help us out with logistics. As it turned out, we couldn't fly Southwest since there were no more flights for a Sunday evening. We ended up booking the 8:30 on American. By now it was after 6:00. We did make it to our flight with plenty of time to spare. We knew we were in for a long night. We found out that once we landed, we would have to make a 3 hour drive south where our birth mother was located. By the time we landed and got our bags and our car and were on the road, it was after 11:00 pm. We'd been up since 7:30 that morning and going ever since. We completely skipped dinner in all the hustle and bustle. There was no where to stop on the way to where we were going once we got on the road. It was a long, dark drive with Cooper snoring in the passenger seat beside me. We get a text that our baby was born at 11:55 and all looked well. We got a hotel room around 3:00 am and got a few hours of sleep before another long day.
January 15th
We thought we'd be heading to the hospital around 9 that morning. However, it was closer to noon before we got there and got to meet our sweet boy. We spent the whole day in the NICU holding him and feeding him. We took a few moments to sneak out for a good meal at Olive Garden and grab a Starbucks to refuel for the long evening ahead. We decided to head back to our hotel around 10 that evening to get a good night's rest since we knew it would probably be the last one for a long while.
January 16th
We arrive at the hospital a little after 8 that morning. Baby boy had been moved since the previous day. We were surprised to see a young girl sitting in the chair holding him. Immediately, I started having an overwhelming amount of emotions sweep over me. Questions were bouncing around in my head: I thought she didn't want to see him? What does this mean? Has she changed her mind? What happens now? What do I say? What do I do? HELP!!!!
This was our first time to meet her. We'd only spoken on the phone twice since we were matched. She smiles and gets out of the chair and asks if we have a name for him yet. We tell her the name we have chosen for him. She hands the baby over to us and takes a seat across from us. The next few minutes are filled with small talk as we try to get to know this young girl who has just given birth to our son and is making a difficult decision. The whole time I'm watching her expression every time the baby moves or fusses. I can see the pain and sorrow on her face. And I worry. I was told that she may change her mind about seeing him, and that was OK. In fact, it was preferred because it would help give her closure. So I tried to focus on that fact. I had to get up to make a phone call. Cooper was left alone with her and the baby. When I return, she is gone. Cooper said he offered to let her hold him again, and she declined and went to get some breakfast. We sat and waited a few more hours to be discharged. As I'm being wheeled out, they stop us. She wanted to see him one last time. Again, cue the anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to oblige to any request she had because I knew what a great sacrifice she was making. I wanted to make sure that I was kind and gracious to this sweet girl who was giving a piece of her heart to a complete stranger. She had some time with the baby before I entered the room. We held each other and the baby as we cried all the emotional tears. Her tears for a baby she was letting go. My tears for a young, scared girl that was trying to do the best she could. I wanted her to know more than anything that we loved her for her choice and that her baby would be loved and cared for. The pain I felt as they wheeled me out with the baby as she sat and watched can never be truly put in words. I can't even attempt to imagine what was going through her mind as she watches another women she just met be wheeled out with her baby after she had labored hard with him. My heart was breaking for her. We make the 3 hour drive back to Phoenix with our sweet boy as our case manager stays behind with our birth mother to make sure she is alright before she is discharged.
I will never forget my first 3 hours of motherhood and traveling a long distance with a newborn. There is nowhere, and I mean nowhere, to stop on this 3 hour drive. Luckily, we fed and changed him right before we got on the road. However, as we got closer to Phoenix and found a rest stop, we had the feeling a diaper change was needed. And it was. He had a mini blowout. We got that cleaned up and got back on our way. Then as we're about 40 minutes from our destination, he starts to get fussy. We have to pull over in a Loves parking lot. This time, there was so much poop we were in shock and awe. All the while, he is screaming! Messy pants and hangry. As Cooper and I tag team a diaper change in the back of a Ford Focus in the parking lot of Loves, I just keep thinking.....this is our new normal. We get him fed and changed and back on the road. We make it safely to our destination.
We so enjoyed the family we stayed with! They were such a delight with a beautiful home and the coolest kids. I'm sad there is so much distance between us because I'm sure Cooper found his long lost best friend in Aaron. Had our stay continued as planned, I'm sure those two would have had such fun together. We had a long night ahead of us. Poor baby boy would not sleep. He cried every time we put him down. Cooper and I took shifts caring for him throughout the night so we could get a little sleep. It was exhausting for sure.
January 17th
Today we had to go to the agency to finish our part of the paperwork. We were less than 24 hours away from consents being signed. Arizona law says consents cannot be signed for 72 hours after birth. So we were just waiting. When we arrived, I inquired about our birth mom and how she was feeling. They admitted that she was still emotional. She would meet with the counselor later and we would know a little bit more after that. Our case worker was so wonderful. She was so kind and patient with us and did her best to put our minds at ease. I wish I could say that it worked, but I'd be lying. I was a nervous wreck. Something just wasn't sitting right with me after the previous day. But I knew that I had to give it to God and let his plan work. We left the agency and went to Target to get a few things and to grab some food from Chick-fil-A. When we arrived at the house and started to unload the car, I got a phone call from our case worker. I knew at once it wasn't good. We had just left her not an hour earlier. I could tell from the way she uttered my name on her first breath that I was about to have my heart broken into a thousand pieces. I received the news that I was most afraid of....she wasn't going to go through with the adoption. She didn't realize how hard it was going to be, and she just couldn't do it. Oh, how I cried and cried. I had so many emotions going through me all at once. Anger, sadness, bitterness, confusion, regret. You name it, I had it. I even wondered why God was taking another child away from me! I even said that I couldn't do this again. This was the 3rd time I had motherhood ripped away from me. However, once I had time to process and reflect and talk with several people, those feelings began to subside. I will never forget the last time I held him as I fed him. The way Cooper held him while he stared up at him with those big eyes. The moment he was literally taken from our arms and driven away. In some ways, this hurt worse than my own personal losses. We actually held him, clothed him, changed him, fed him, loved him, and even named him. I never got that far with either of my pregnancies.
A phone call to Dana really helped me get through those hard moments following his departure. As we talked, I knew that our story wasn't finished. We had so much love to give to a child who needs it. We weren't stopping. She told us that we'd go to the top of the list and we'd have our sweet baby. She put us in contact with 2 other families who were in Phoenix awaiting the adoption of their little ones, too. We connected with a couple from Indiana who was there adopting their second baby. We spent all of Thursday with them and their family. We met a couple from West Virginia who was there awaiting the arrival of their second adopted child. They have walked a similar journey with plans that didn't work out. It was really an inspiration talking with them. We've been talking ever since. As I'm writing this, they are awaiting the paper work to bring their sweet boy home. The outpouring of love and support from Christians that we just met was indescribable. To feel that love and support through a difficult time when you're far from home and far from friends and family is a blessing.
January 18th
We spent today visiting with a family from Indiana. We played with their kids and had a great visit. They were staying with the parents of the family we were staying with. It was a beautiful day on a beautiful piece of property in Arizona. We spent the whole day with them. We enjoyed a delicious dinner and even some games before heading back and getting ready for our trip back home the next day.
We returned home the next day.
Now what?
Well we've been back two weeks. It's been nice to be back in our normal routine. I'm a girl who thrives on that routine. The baby's bag is still packed. The nursery is under construction. Paint is finished. Floors are installed. The closet is finished. It's time to add furniture and wall decor. We know that our baby is coming. That Tuesday after we came back, we received a text from our case worker about a potential baby. We found out that Thursday that it didn't work out, but that she was trying! This past Friday afternoon we received another possible baby that is being born on February 14th. Our profile will be shown on Tuesday. So now we wait. We wait to see if we've been chosen to be the parents of this Valentines baby. We wait to see if God has another baby planned for us. As we wait, we wait knowing that God is faithful. His plan far outweighs our own. Each day is a new struggle. I've had many sleepless nights since our return. I've shed many tears, and will probably continue to do so. But I know this is a journey. One day I hope to look back on all this and say, "This was all worth it. YOU were all worth it!"
I shared this verse the day we found out the adoption fell through. I feel this verse is truly fitting the situation we are in: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
Thursday, January 4, 2018
The Time is Fast Approaching
Here I sit with just a few days remaining in my Winter break from school. I can't believe that our baby is due 2 weeks from today! It hardly seems real to me. We've been making preparations every since we found out, but even with all the baby prep it still hasn't really sunk in yet. People keep asking me if I'm excited. I never know quite how to respond to that. I know others around me are excited, but I just can't seem to truly say that I am "excited." That wouldn't be the word I'd use to describe how I'm feeling. I think part of me is still in denial that this is actually happening, or at least is a very real possibility. However, there is that hopeful part of me that can't wait to walk through our front door holding this little bundle that we've been praying for. After several attempts to conceive and 2 failed pregnancies in the first trimester, the expectant arrival of a child seems like a far-fetched dream. This is as close as we've ever come to bringing home a child. However, the realist in me knows that we could walk away empty handed. Everyone around me tells me not to think that way, but after what I've been through I just can't help it. Although, it's not like me being less hopeful or more "realistic" would make the pain hurt any less. It would still be a crushing blow. I just keep hearing my dad's words in my head: "You will get the child you are meant to have. I know it will happen. God has a child just for you." I guess I'm currently having an inner struggle with myself about my feelings. The proverbial "angel vs. devil" on the should thing. The angel represents the faithful part of me that is trying every day to trust in the plans the Lord has for me. The part that is saying, "Enjoy all things baby right now. This is your time. Let those who love and support you surround you with joy and gladness."
However, Satan is tugging on the other side. You know, the side that says, "This life isn't meant for you. You've failed countless times at this. This time will be no different." Oh, how I just want to punch him in the face and tell him to go away. But he's there. Every day. We pray daily for our child whom we haven't even met yet. Others around us are fervently praying for our child they haven't met yet. It's comforting (also a little nerve-racking) to get those phone calls from the agency and/or the birth mother. It's like another step to validation that this IS happening.
So what do I say when people ask if I'm ready or if I'm excited? I just tell them that I'm sure it will all hit me when I'm in the hospital holding them and we get the all clear to come home. Until then, I'm completely nervous, and I still feel like this is happening to someone else.
This seems like a fitting verse to close out this post:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
However, Satan is tugging on the other side. You know, the side that says, "This life isn't meant for you. You've failed countless times at this. This time will be no different." Oh, how I just want to punch him in the face and tell him to go away. But he's there. Every day. We pray daily for our child whom we haven't even met yet. Others around us are fervently praying for our child they haven't met yet. It's comforting (also a little nerve-racking) to get those phone calls from the agency and/or the birth mother. It's like another step to validation that this IS happening.
So what do I say when people ask if I'm ready or if I'm excited? I just tell them that I'm sure it will all hit me when I'm in the hospital holding them and we get the all clear to come home. Until then, I'm completely nervous, and I still feel like this is happening to someone else.
This seems like a fitting verse to close out this post:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
