No vs. Not Now

It's been about a month since my  last update. I've been struggling with what to say. I will say that I am just now getting back to my normal self. By normal, I mean not breaking into random fits of tears. That first month to month and a half that we were back was a crazy emotional roller coaster. There was one weekend where I cried pretty much the whole weekend. I Could. Not. Stop! I'd be driving down the road. Tears. I'd be watching TV. Tears. I'd be sitting in church. Tears. I had to get up from the service, go to the back bathroom, and just sit on the floor and ugly cry for like 20 minutes. I didn't realize it at the time, but my mood had seeped into my work. I guess I didn't realize how bad I'd been feeling since coming back to our "normal." These past 2-3 weeks have been much better. No random tears. Just a peace. I'd been struggling with wondering if God was telling me "no" or "not right now." It's really hard to know the difference. The last time I wrote, we had 2 babies that were a possibility since our disruption. Then we went a whole month without a single intake. The only communication came from our case worker one Monday afternoon. She was just checking in on us, telling us to keep the faith and that she was praying for us. I just had a feeling that was God's way of telling me that he's still here with us on this journey. We're not forgotten. Just wait a little longer.

This past Friday afternoon we received 2 intakes. Twin boys coming in early July and a baby girl coming mid August. Of course, we sent word that we were definitely interested in both. Then Monday afternoon we receive another intake for a baby coming in mid-August. Gender currently unknown. Yes! We are interested. We will always be interested. It doesn't matter the gender or race. We are ready to open our home and hearts to a child in need of a loving home. That sweet child will not care what color skin their parents have, so why should their perspective parents care what color skin they will have? We were just praying for each of these birth mothers that they were at peace with their decision and that we would feel "right" to one of them. You want to talk about a humbling experience....knowing that someone CHOSE you to raise their child when they could not. I never knew the feeling that would invoke in me. If that doesn't make you want to strive to be the best parent you could be, I don't know what will. I just hope that one day I look back on this when I'm feeling discouraged as a parent and remember that I was chosen. Chosen by a woman who knew she wanted a chance for her baby that she couldn't give them at that time. Chosen by God to help this sweet soul find their place in the world and in His kingdom.

Remember what I said about being tear free? Apparently writing this brings out the tears.....

Now we wait. Wait to be chosen. Wait for communication. Wait for the birth. Wait for bringing our new baby home. Wait on God to show his perfect timing. I still wish I could fully understand what God is teaching me through this journey. I have some thoughts. Just as soon as I think I know, well I don't know. What I do know is that continuous prayers to the Father is what will bring us through. It will help through the waiting.

"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith."

Matthew 21:22