The Roller Coaster continues

So when I wrote my last post I had just received a phone call saying we were matched again with a birth mom due in August. We felt really good about this birth mom based off the information we had. She was older and had placed with this agency before. Things appeared to be going our way. This one would work out for sure, right?

Well, we never did the paperwork since we were waiting on her next doctor appointment to find out the gender and the updated due date. We waited a couple of weeks. Finally we heard that there was appointment scheduled for Wednesday and we get a call after. Well Wednesday came and we didn't get a call. Except we did. It came at 9:00 that night from Dana. I instantly knew it was not good news. We found out nature had interfered in our plans. Our birth mom miscarried. I know all too well what that feeling is like. I've been through 2 miscarriages. They are awful. Physically and emotionally. I was sad for our birth mom. Even though she didn't intend on keeping her baby, she did plan on her baby having a good life with someone else. She wanted that for her unborn baby. The pain of a loss of a life that has yet begun is tragic. I've experienced it in my own life and the life of others close to me. We also mourned the loss of yet another baby that was placed on our hearts. We still don't understand why we are experiencing so much loss in this area of our lives. 2 failed pregnancies. 2 failed adoption attempts. I feel really tested right now. My faith and strength is really being put to the test.

While I may feel tested, I also feel so much love from everyone in my life. So many people praying and desiring this for us. There are many people invested in our journey. It really makes me grateful that there are so many people who want to love on us and support us on our journey. We have the Sacred Selections fundraiser coming up in May. We are so very honored to be the family for this Spring's fundraiser. I think it will truly be a humbling experience to see everyone come out in support of us and our adoption journey. I don't know when the next baby will come along. Cooper and I were talking about this the other day. He thinks we will hear something around the end of April or sometime in May. I'm thinking it will be over the summer. I hope he is right and I am wrong. We were almost exactly 2 months removed from our last situation when  we got the call that we were matched again.

Things have not been working in my favor to have our own children either. We've started trying again, but just can't seem to get pregnant. I don't know what else to do. Financial strain prevents us from seeking more answers. Insurance just doesn't cover stuff like that for us. So we either keep trying, or just accept what is. I know adoption is a more realistic option for us. Either way, pregnancy or not, I know that I want to adopt. It's hard to start this journey and see all these children that need homes and not go through with it. At the same time, I'm concerned for how much heartbreak I can take. I like to think of myself as a strong person, but I wonder how far my strength reaches. How much can I take before I'm just done? I really don't want to find out. I'd rather not be pushed to the limit. I'm constantly reminded of the saying: "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it!"

I've started journaling,too. Actually handwriting all my thoughts is a lot of work! I have so much to say that my hand cramps. Once I get started, I just let everything go. People keep telling me one day all this will be worth it. When we have that baby in our arms, hear "mama" or "dada" the first time, watch them grow up and achieve things, etc....it will make all the pain and heartache worth it. I just have to keep that thought with me. I know there are so many children out there that need a home. I keep telling myself that it's not a matter of "if", it's just a matter of "when."

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  ~Jeremiah 29:11