The Time is Fast Approaching

Here I sit with just a few days remaining in my Winter break from school. I can't believe that our baby is due 2 weeks from today! It hardly seems real to me. We've been making preparations every since we found out, but even with all the baby prep it still hasn't really sunk in yet. People keep asking me if I'm excited. I never know quite how to respond to that. I know others around me are excited, but I just can't seem to truly say that I am "excited." That wouldn't be the word I'd use to describe how I'm feeling. I think part of me is still in denial that this is actually happening, or at least is a very real possibility. However, there is that hopeful part of me that can't wait to walk through our front door holding this little bundle that we've been praying for. After several attempts to conceive and 2 failed pregnancies in the first trimester, the expectant arrival of a child seems like a far-fetched dream. This is as close as we've ever come to bringing home a child. However, the realist in me knows that we could walk away empty handed. Everyone around me tells me not to think that way, but after what I've been through I just can't help it. Although, it's not like me being less hopeful or more "realistic" would make the pain hurt any less. It would still be a crushing blow. I just keep hearing my dad's words in my head: "You will get the child you are meant to have. I know it will happen. God has a child just for you." I guess I'm currently having an inner struggle with myself about my feelings. The proverbial "angel vs. devil" on the should thing. The angel represents the faithful part of me that is trying every day to trust in the plans the Lord has for me. The part that is saying, "Enjoy all things baby right now. This is your time. Let those who love and support you surround you with joy and gladness."
However, Satan is tugging on the other side. You know, the side that says, "This life isn't meant for you. You've failed countless times at this. This time will be no different." Oh, how I just want to punch him in the face and tell him to go away. But he's there. Every day. We pray daily for our child whom we haven't even met yet. Others around us are fervently praying for our child they haven't met yet. It's comforting (also a little nerve-racking) to get those phone calls from the agency and/or the birth mother. It's like another step to validation that this IS happening.

So what do I say when people ask if I'm ready or if I'm excited? I just tell them that I'm sure it will all hit me when I'm in the hospital holding them and we get the all clear to come home. Until then, I'm completely nervous, and I still feel like this is happening to someone else.

This seems like a fitting verse to close out this post:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11