Just Another Bump in the Road on our Journey

October 22, 2016.....(supposed to be just over 11 weeks)

It's a Sunday and I have a whole week to go before my next doctor's appointment. I'm not going to make it. The anxiety is just too much. I have this feeling like something is going to go wrong. Yes, my symptoms have declined. But wait....I'm nearing the end of the first trimester, so they're supposed to. Right?
Later that evening I notice some spotting. Even though I promised myself no internet reading this pregnancy, I lied. The spotting and brown that I see is a sign of a missed miscarriage....so I've read. I'm just too freaked out to not check it out. I make Mr. B take me to the ER that night to get it checked out. After several hours in the ER, we find out that the baby is only measuring 7 weeks and 4 days and had no heart beat. That can't be right! I went to the doctor at 6 weeks 6 days. It can't be true that my baby died just a few short days after that. I've been feeling all kinds of symptoms at 8, 9, and even 10 weeks. What is going on? Is my body lying to me?

I decide to take off work the next day to try to get in to see my doctor. The doctor can't see me until Wednesday. It won't even be the doctor. It's the nurse practitioner. Guess I'm going to take off for another 2 days. Who am I kidding? I need to just take off the whole week to deal with this and process everything.

Sunday night I'm an emotional wreck. I'm crying to my dad on the phone asking him why this is happening to me. All the while he's trying to keep my faithful. Remember my faith. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. That's hard to hear when you just lost your second pregnancy in a row. And it took me 3 years to conceive this baby! I want answers! Why me? I eventually get to sleep.

October 23, 2016.....

It's Monday. I have Mr. B with me until 2:00 when he has to go to work. I decide to visit with a friend who knows how I feel and can provide distraction and comfort. We spend the afternoon talking and just hanging out. Around 5:00 I head home where my father-in-law is waiting to pick me up so I can spend the remainder of the evening with them until Mr. B gets off work at 10:00. When I arrive home, the cramps start. I know what's going to happen. I won't have to go to the hospital for a D&C this pregnancy. My body is going to take care of this....tonight. As the night progressed, so did the cramps and the pain. Luckily, I had some pain pills and a heating pad. By the time Mr. B came to pick me up, my body had done its job. The baby was gone. My appointment on Wednesday confirmed it.

The rest of the week I enjoy my solitude at home reading and watching TV. I don't want to go out or be around anyone but Mr. B. I went to my regularly scheduled doctor's appointment Friday afternoon. We discussed my options. I decided to do a blood test that would see if I had a blood clotting issue which would cause me to lose a pregnancy. That came back normal. I'm thinking of going to have a test done to see if there is a problem with my uterus over Christmas break. The only other test would be a blood test on me and Mr. B to see if there are chromosomal problems. I'm not ready to go there just yet.
We went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory after my appointment. We didn't get to do his birthday dinner out, so that gave us an opportunity to go out. I returned to work that following Monday and resumed my normal life.

*Reflections on this experience coming up in next post!

9-11 Weeks and Afraid

I can't begin to explain my feelings at this point in my pregnancy. I was 11 weeks yesterday. With my  last pregnancy, I was so excited. I made it a point to sit down every Monday (the day I changed weeks) and write my weekly update of what was going on in my journey. This time around, it just doesn't seem like that big of a priority to me. That's just not fair to this baby. However, that is how I'm feeling. I'm just not excited about this pregnancy. I don't want to tell the world. I don't look forward to my next doctor's appointment. My previous experience has ruined everything for me, and I HATE that! I've gained 5 pounds over the past 3 months. I'd love to think that it's due to the baby, but all I feel is that it is due to the junk I've been eating. During those early weeks, I couldn't tolerate much. Healthy didn't sound good. I couldn't care less about a vegetable. I haven't been sick in almost 2 weeks. I do have more of an appetite now, but I don't like that either because I constantly eat. Again, I want to say it's OK because I'm pregnant. I just have a hard time believing I'm pregnant. My symptoms have been easing up. I'm trying to tell myself that they're supposed to since I'm nearing this second trimester, but I'm still anxious. I'm not completely symptom free. I still battle fatigue. I still have some food aversions at times. I do have an increased appetite. I still bloat easily. Heat burn and gas have become more apparent these later weeks.

I keep telling myself that this pregnancy feels different than the last time. Last time, everything just stopped one day. And it was much earlier on in the pregnancy. I also think, what are the chances of me having 2 missed miscarriages in a row? Would fate and coincidence really be that unkind to me? Would my body betray me again after making me wait 3 long years for another pregnancy? I want to believe that the answer is "no" to all these questions. I mean, the timing just seems so right. We were able to conceive on our own. We are both in a good place career wise. We are in a wonderful place in our relationship as husband and wife. The timing is just there. It's as if God is saying, "Now is the time!" Then why am I so doubtful? I fell like Thomas, the apostle, after Jesus was raised. Thomas refused to believe it was Jesus standing before him until he could see the wounds of the cross and put his hand in his side where he was pierced with the sword. I feel like unless I experience every blatant pregnancy symptom known to man, I'm not really pregnant. The Lord says, "blessed are those who do not see, yet believe." I'm simply letting seeds of doubt creep into my mind. I'm letting past experiences poison my experience. I should be celebrating this life that God has blessed me with. But all I can think about is that He is going to call him/her back home before I've had a chance to love them and raise them.

I've also done the thing that I said I would never do if I got pregnant again: read the internet. Why, oh why, can't I stay away? It's like I keep looking for something to find wrong with me. There's got to be something wrong with me....I just have to find it. I mean, how ridiculous is that!? As I'm typing this I'm feeling angry because for some reason I'm convinced I've already lost this baby. Every time I go to the restroom, I'm looking for blood. It's like I'll do anything to find it. I pray every night for God's protection over me and this baby. I pray for Him to ease my mind of worry. Why can't I believe?

I'm still taking weekly pictures. I did forget my 10 week picture since we were out of town that weekend. It just never seemed important enough to take it (see what I mean). Here is week 9 and 11. Still not convinced it's a baby bump....just bloat and the fat that was already there.

Week 9

Week 11

8 Weeks.....We can get through this

I'm not going to lie.....the week scares me. Last time I found out at my 10 week appointment that my babies stopped growing at 8 weeks. This is it. This is the week that broke my heart last time. I need this little peanut's heart to keep beating. I need this little peanut to keep growing. I had a panic attack last weekend when I did a middle of the night potty break and found blood on the toilet paper. This coming after the doctor told me I had a sensitive cervix and would probably see some blood if anything irritated my cervix. She specifically told me not to freak out because it wasn't coming from the baby. Sure, I can do that. WRONG! What's the first thing I do.....FREAK OUT! I wake up Mr. B from the sleep that he fights every night with a cough. I'm crying and in hysterics. He tries to calm me down. We pray together. I'm calmer now. Then I immediately have to get up and throw up. OK! I get the message. The baby is fine. All this next week I feel pretty pregnant. I'm exhausted. I'm emotional. I'm nauseous when I wake up. I'm nauseous after I eat dinner. I'm nauseous if I go too long without eating. Monday morning was rough for me. I wake up feeling like I've been hit with a semi-truck. I'm dizzy and decide that working out isn't going to happen. I sleep for another hour. I get up and I'm sick. I manage to eat a little something, but I get sick after I eat. Later that night, I couldn't even eat dinner because every bite made me sick. That's kind of how it went throughout the week. I was able to keep food down, but the nauseous feeling was there. I would be sipping on ginger ale on my way to work every morning.

Wednesday morning I had a meltdown at work with all the hormones and all the stress. My poor administrators had to give me a mini therapy session during my conference period. I had to have a chat with Robin (TPT) and just let her know that the 5 am workouts just aren't going to work for me right now. I hate everything about them at this point. I just can't start my day so early when I work, work, work all day long. I'm sick in the mornings. I don't even get to finish my workout because I have to leave early to get to work. I hate changing at work and lugging all my stuff to get ready. I just can't do it right now. So we are in the process of trying to work something out so I can still get my 3 days a week in and get some weights in there, too.

Friday was the first day where I kind of got sick during the day. I was needing to eat desperately by 10:00, then again at noon. Luckily, the food kept the nausea at bay. I was flat out exhausted when I finally got home from doing errands Friday evening.

Here it is on a Saturday morning. I slept till a little after 8. I've had a productive day. I feel pretty good, which sometimes worries me. I read forums on my app that women post on. It is reassuring to know that the absence of symptoms doesn't mean anything is wrong. When they're taking a day or two off, I should just be thankful. I am a little tired today, however. A nap wouldn't be a total disappointment. I made myself breakfast, ran to Target, started my laundry, straightened up the house, did my October calendar for work, finished up some book reviews, and now I'm getting some much needed blogging done. Oh yeah, I even went for a walk to get some exercise.

I really want to have a date night with Mr. B tonight to celebrate his success at work. I'm feeling a chicken fried steak at Babe's and then some dessert at Hey Sugar! He thinks I'm going to change my mind about date night (I guess I do that a lot), but I'm going to surprise him with a "yes" attitude. I hope. No, I will.

So here we are with the 8 week belly pic. Still sporting my usual chub, but I'm praying that peanut is still healthy and growing. This mom and dad want to meet you in May. You're going to make a great first Mother's Day present!!!!

Here we go again!

September 1, 2016....it's almost 9:00 and I'm just going to do it. I thought I'd put it off until Monday when I was a week late, but something in me just knew I needed to do it right now. I took the test. I did the 3 minute wait. I came back to find the result that I thought would never come....PREGNANT! Really? I guess it's true what they say....a woman just knows what her body is doing. I quickly text Mr. B while he's at work to inform him of his impending daddy status. He's thrilled! I don't feel any different except for maybe a little more tired, but that could be work related since I've started my new job and the demands are pretty intense. But that doesn't explain the late night potty trips and why I had the urge to get up and grab pretzels from my pantry and eat them at 1:00 in the morning.

I call the doctor the next day. They won't see me until I'm 8-10 weeks. I inform them of my past history and how I had to take Progesterone during my last pregnancy. They sent me in for some blood work to test my levels. They came back at a 7.5 and they preferred them to be a 10. So I'm back on the pills. I wasn't a bit surprised since I've been taking Progesterone once a month for 10 days out of the month to help with my cycles. I guess my body just doesn't make enough of it. Apparently, it's an easy fix with a pill. I'm thankful for that. I schedule my first appointment for September 23rd.

The time that follows doesn't leave me as anxious as before. I have too much going on at work to even remember that I'm pregnant. I do notice an increase in fatigue, the ladies are sore occasionally, and I do get a tad nauseated every now and then. Other than that, I felt relatively normal. I spoke with Robin (TPT) about my workouts during this time, and we tried to come up with a schedule to accommodate my needs.

Only a few people know at this point. We are telling people on a "need to know" basis right now until the doctor appointment. I'm tracking everything on an app on my phone. At the time of my appointment I calculate that I'm about 7 weeks 3 days. If you were to go off my LMP, I would be further along. However, I informed the doctors that I knew I wasn't that far along due to my longer cycles.

September 23 arrives. I take a half day off of work so I can make the 2:00 appointment. Mr. B takes off the whole day. I get off work around 11:30 and we decide to head to Market Street for some lunch. We finish up just in time to make it to the appointment. I fill out a ton of paperwork. Then I get to go back and do my first ultra sound. We were able to see our little peanut on an external sonogram and see the heartbeat. It was a strong 145 bpm. Next was our visit to the doctor. She said everything looked good. Based on the ultrasound, I'm measuring about 6 weeks and 6 days. Only 4 days away from my calculations. She said that was perfect. We were happy that things looked well. Of course, at this stage last time all things were looking well, too.

We decided to go ahead and tell our parents that evening. They were thrilled with the news. Mr. B's mom was in tears. Everyone knows how long we've been wanting to be parents. How long we've been trying to get pregnant since our last miscarriage. How long it took both of us to feel peace and acceptance at not having kids. I laugh because during the summer after I accepted this new job, I kept telling everyone that I was going to end up pregnant now that I had a new job that would keep me extremely busy. Guess I'm psychic. LOL

I told the doctor that my symptoms weren't that bad. I also told her that I just had an overall better feeling about this pregnancy that I did last time. She informed me that it'll be easier since I'm only pregnant with one baby. I'm also healthier than I was last time due to my working out since January.

I took my first "belly pic" at 7 weeks. I know it just looks like my normal chubby belly, but I know my peanut is in there. We know God is going to take care of us. We pray that He blesses us with this sweet child.

That First Positive

The year was 2013. We were nearing our 3rd anniversary. I had a trip to NOLA with some girls from work that July, right before our planned vacation. The month of June I was determined to get pregnant. Since I hadn't started tracking my cycle, I just guessed when it was a good time. I've never been regular, so this was purely a shot in the dark. Two weeks after the first day of my period, I told Mr. B, "OK! It's go time." We were still going through our challenges, but I wanted this so bad I didn't care. To make a long story short, we tried almost daily with whatever method we could think of. It wasn't enjoyable in the least. It was definitely a chore. There were frustrations along the way. Fast forward to my NOLA trip on July 10, 2013. I know I'm expecting AF while I'm away, so I bring the lady products. On my trip there were days when I would get my feelings hurt easily and just cry. I couldn't fit into clothes comfortably. I was tired. Getting ready to go home, I realized that I never used my lady products. Strange. Well, maybe I was just a little late. I mean, after all, I really was never sure when AF was coming. When I got home, I remember being so exhausted. I would sleep 10+ hours then need a nap just a couple of hours after waking up. I knew something was up. So after I was a week late (the day of our trip and our anniversary), I took a test. Imagine my shock when it was positive. We couldn't believe it! All that laborious trying actually paid off. It put a bit of a damper on the vacation since we'd planned to go to a water park. I just floated around in the pools instead of slipping and sliding in free falls. I ended up getting a doctor's appointment for when I came back from vacation. The ultra sound/sonogram (whatever you call it) didn't show much. It was too early. I had some blood work done that turned out positive. The only small hitch was I needed progesterone supplements since my body wasn't making enough. So I came back in 2 weeks. This time we saw something. Two somethings actually. Imagine our shock once more when we found we were having twins. There were 2 tiny little heart beats!

We left elated! Of course, since there were heartbeats we figured we'd go ahead and tell people. Surely nothing could go wrong now, right? I would have another appointment in 4 weeks. I was sick first thing in the morning when I had an empty stomach. I would always need to throw up. I felt pretty good throughout the day. I was just really bloated. This went on for about 2 weeks. Suddenly, everything stopped. It was like I just stopped feeling pregnant. I immediately knew something wasn't right. Upon our next appointment we found out that our babies had stopped growing at 8 weeks. We couldn't find the heartbeats anymore. It was so devastating. We had tried so hard and wanted it so bad. It was just gone. I ended up having a D&C the next day. However, a few hours before my procedure I ended up miscarrying naturally. I still went through with the procedure just to make sure everything was out. I ended up getting sick with a high fever the next day and over the weekend. I needed antibiotics. I couldn't be alone. I stayed with Mr. B's parents while he was at work. I took a couple of days off work to collect myself. Upon my return, I had so much love and support. My heart was still broken, but those around me made sure I was feeling better each day.

Here I am 3 years later....almost exactly 3 years since I found out I lost my twins (9/5/13). My heart has healed a lot over these last 3 years. We've tried on and off to get pregnant. I've been on progesterone supplements for about a year now to help regulate my cycle. Apparently I don't ovulate regularly. My doctor said the progesterone may help things. If not, she can give me clomid when we are ready to seriously pursue pregnancy. Since then, Mr. B and I are finally on the same page physically. It's no longer a chore to be together. I've grown to love that man so much more over these last few years. I appreciate the time we have together now. When the time comes again, we'll be ready. We just keep reminding ourselves that the Lord has a plan for us. We are on His time, not our own.

I have a couple of verses in Proverbs that I love because they remind me of this:
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." 
Proverbs 19:21
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

What's the Rush?

You know when you've been dating someone a long time and people start asking the question "when are you two getting married?" Then you finally get engaged, and people start asking "have you set a date?" Then once you tie the knot, the next logical question is "when are you two going to start having kids?" I don't necessarily think people ask these questions to be rude or nosy. I honestly think they have a genuine curiosity about our lives. As I've stated, I was ready to jump on the mama train after I said "I do." I honestly didn't think I'd have any problems getting pregnant. I mean, why would I? I was 24 and reasonably healthy. The same goes for my husband. We didn't actively start trying for a few months, but we never did anything to prevent pregnancy either. We ran into struggles along the way. We just never could get on the same page physically it seemed. We just couldn't figure it out! I mean, we were in our mid-twenties! We should not be having these problems. Alas, the struggle was real. It would continue to be real for the next 4 years or so.

Now here we are, almost 6 years in. Now I'm thinking....what was the big rush? There were times during these past 6 years where I thought that I needed a baby to be fully satisfied. I can honestly say that right now I don't have those feelings. Something changed in me these last couple of years. The Lord has worked on my heart in these matters. I'm very happy being a twosome with the wonderful Mr. B. We do so many fun things together and enjoy things that people with children don't get to enjoy as often. I feel we take that for granted sometimes. I look at my friends who have children and are working, too. I think about all I GET to do when I get home because I don't really have to worry about another human depending on me. It really puts things into perspective. I see women all around me giving birth in their mid to late thirties. Then I realize, I've got time. I just turned 30. I can afford to wait a few more years if I really wanted to. I need to take this time to work on me. I've got some physical challenges that I need to overcome. I've been overweight all my life. I've committed my life to working out and being healthy. I will achieve this goal before I attempt to bring another human into this world. I deserve this. My future baby deserves this. I'm also choosing to use this time to deepen the love in my marriage. I've heard it said all too often that your marriage should be solid and always come first. I know some people disagree and think your children should come first. However, the reality is, those children will leave you one day to make their own lives. In the end, it will be just you and your spouse. If you didn't put the time into that marriage and help it grow, what will you be left with? I like the fact that I've gotten to spend almost 6 (married) years and 7 (total) years with my best friend. We've had many opportunities to work on our marriage and build that relationship.

Anyone who is friends with us in life and/or on social media knows that we love to spend time together. We go on vacations, we go painting, we shop together, enjoy Menchies frozen yogurt, and occasionally a good burger together. We spend time with friends with and without children. If we're at home, we are content just being together on the couch. He is on his end, and I'm on my end. We don't even have to be talking or doing the same thing. If he's playing video games or watching a show I don't watch, I'm reading a book or watching Netflix on my computer or visa versa (minus the reading part because Mr. B isn't a fan). We love children. We love other people's children. At church you can find me loving on every one else's babies and children (even the older ones). I love on my students at school. We love on our niece and our nephews. We just haven't made it to the point in our life where we can honestly say "let's do this!" Now, if it just happened, we would totally welcome it with thanksgiving. It just isn't something we are seeking right now. I would feel completely blessed if it happened unexpectedly since I'm fairly certain I'm going to need some help in that department. That's another story for another time.

The important thing I've learned is that we have time. Do we still get asked the question of "when are you going to have kids?" Sure. Just not as much as we did before events back in 2013 (again, another story for another time). I just tell them that it will happen when the Lord allows it to happen. We are doing nothing to stop it. We just aren't pursuing it as diligently as we could if we really wanted to make it happen.

Respect people's "not yet's." You don't know what their circumstances may be.

A great podcast to listen to that talks about this subject is "Marriage is Funny" episode 40. This is a couple that shares their story about having a family and their thoughts. This is one of my favorite podcasts. This episode really hit home for me.  

On My Heart.....

This blog has been on my heart for a while now. I have all these feelings about my journey to becoming a mom, and I needed an outlet for getting those thoughts out of my head. Since I'm a product of my generation, I'm obviously going to do this electronically and not the pen and paper way. Ain't nobody got time for hand cramps and sloppy handwriting.

I had to really think back to when my journey actually started. I've almost been married to my best friend for 6 years, so you'd think that's about as far back as it goes....right? Actually, I think I've always wanted to be a  mom. I've loved children since I was little. Playing house and school were two of my favorite things to make my younger sisters play. Well, I got the teacher gig down. So let's get going on the mommy thing. I always wanted to be a young mom. I'm not talking about young and unmarried, but still in my 20's. Well, I'm sitting here at a few months past 30 and no baby yet! I heard on a podcast that it is OK to mourn for a dream you had when you know it will never come true. That made me think about me wanting to be a teacher, wife, and mother before 30. I mean, 2 out of 3 aren't bad odds. But I didn't get the third thing on my list. It's OK to feel sad about that. I'm never going to be a "young" mom, and that is something that I need to accept. I had my feelings of sadness about it, but now I'm moving on. I know many women having babies in their 30's. In fact, research shows that having children in your early 30's is better since that is when most women are stable in their life. I suppose that's true. So what am I so concerned about?

Ever since I was a teenager, my body never worked like clock work. Maybe it was due to my being over weight, or maybe that's just the way my body works. I don't know why I thought that when Mr. B put a ring on my finger in July of 2010 that me becoming a mom was a done deal. It never really occurred to me that I wouldn't get pregnant when I wanted to. I mean, I'm a planner who plans out everything and needs things to go according to plan. Yeah, I'm constantly humbled and put back in my place when God has to give me those little reminders that he's in control, not me. Slow down, girl. You don't run this show.

Proverbs 19:21- "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."

I can't count how many times I need this verse to slap me back into reality. For a girl who loves to control her own situation (and sometimes the situations around her), this is a daily struggle to remember.

At first I thought we would be married a year before trying to have a baby. However, early on we struggled in our relationship to get on the same page about many things. They say the first year is the hardest. I didn't believe anyone when they said that. How is that supposed to be true? We are head over heels in love with each other. The first year will be pure bliss. Ha! When the honeymoon is over and married life sets in, you see things that weren't there before (especially if you're married only a year of being together). Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually we just couldn't get it right it seemed. A baby just wasn't happening. 

I had been losing weight and getting in shape late 2008 and early 2009. When we started dating in mid 2009, I got lazy. I moved away from my gym, so I quit going. I stopped training with my personal trainer. I was eating take-out on a daily basis. So by my wedding in July of 2010, I was easily 20 pounds heavier. Oh well! Being a skinny bride is overrated when you were never really a "skinny" girl to begin with. Little did I know, that was just the beginning of my weight gain and problems.......