I had to really think back to when my journey actually started. I've almost been married to my best friend for 6 years, so you'd think that's about as far back as it goes....right? Actually, I think I've always wanted to be a mom. I've loved children since I was little. Playing house and school were two of my favorite things to make my younger sisters play. Well, I got the teacher gig down. So let's get going on the mommy thing. I always wanted to be a young mom. I'm not talking about young and unmarried, but still in my 20's. Well, I'm sitting here at a few months past 30 and no baby yet! I heard on a podcast that it is OK to mourn for a dream you had when you know it will never come true. That made me think about me wanting to be a teacher, wife, and mother before 30. I mean, 2 out of 3 aren't bad odds. But I didn't get the third thing on my list. It's OK to feel sad about that. I'm never going to be a "young" mom, and that is something that I need to accept. I had my feelings of sadness about it, but now I'm moving on. I know many women having babies in their 30's. In fact, research shows that having children in your early 30's is better since that is when most women are stable in their life. I suppose that's true. So what am I so concerned about?
Ever since I was a teenager, my body never worked like clock work. Maybe it was due to my being over weight, or maybe that's just the way my body works. I don't know why I thought that when Mr. B put a ring on my finger in July of 2010 that me becoming a mom was a done deal. It never really occurred to me that I wouldn't get pregnant when I wanted to. I mean, I'm a planner who plans out everything and needs things to go according to plan. Yeah, I'm constantly humbled and put back in my place when God has to give me those little reminders that he's in control, not me. Slow down, girl. You don't run this show.
Proverbs 19:21- "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
I can't count how many times I need this verse to slap me back into reality. For a girl who loves to control her own situation (and sometimes the situations around her), this is a daily struggle to remember.
At first I thought we would be married a year before trying to have a baby. However, early on we struggled in our relationship to get on the same page about many things. They say the first year is the hardest. I didn't believe anyone when they said that. How is that supposed to be true? We are head over heels in love with each other. The first year will be pure bliss. Ha! When the honeymoon is over and married life sets in, you see things that weren't there before (especially if you're married only a year of being together). Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually we just couldn't get it right it seemed. A baby just wasn't happening.
I had been losing weight and getting in shape late 2008 and early 2009. When we started dating in mid 2009, I got lazy. I moved away from my gym, so I quit going. I stopped training with my personal trainer. I was eating take-out on a daily basis. So by my wedding in July of 2010, I was easily 20 pounds heavier. Oh well! Being a skinny bride is overrated when you were never really a "skinny" girl to begin with. Little did I know, that was just the beginning of my weight gain and problems.......
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