That First Positive

The year was 2013. We were nearing our 3rd anniversary. I had a trip to NOLA with some girls from work that July, right before our planned vacation. The month of June I was determined to get pregnant. Since I hadn't started tracking my cycle, I just guessed when it was a good time. I've never been regular, so this was purely a shot in the dark. Two weeks after the first day of my period, I told Mr. B, "OK! It's go time." We were still going through our challenges, but I wanted this so bad I didn't care. To make a long story short, we tried almost daily with whatever method we could think of. It wasn't enjoyable in the least. It was definitely a chore. There were frustrations along the way. Fast forward to my NOLA trip on July 10, 2013. I know I'm expecting AF while I'm away, so I bring the lady products. On my trip there were days when I would get my feelings hurt easily and just cry. I couldn't fit into clothes comfortably. I was tired. Getting ready to go home, I realized that I never used my lady products. Strange. Well, maybe I was just a little late. I mean, after all, I really was never sure when AF was coming. When I got home, I remember being so exhausted. I would sleep 10+ hours then need a nap just a couple of hours after waking up. I knew something was up. So after I was a week late (the day of our trip and our anniversary), I took a test. Imagine my shock when it was positive. We couldn't believe it! All that laborious trying actually paid off. It put a bit of a damper on the vacation since we'd planned to go to a water park. I just floated around in the pools instead of slipping and sliding in free falls. I ended up getting a doctor's appointment for when I came back from vacation. The ultra sound/sonogram (whatever you call it) didn't show much. It was too early. I had some blood work done that turned out positive. The only small hitch was I needed progesterone supplements since my body wasn't making enough. So I came back in 2 weeks. This time we saw something. Two somethings actually. Imagine our shock once more when we found we were having twins. There were 2 tiny little heart beats!

We left elated! Of course, since there were heartbeats we figured we'd go ahead and tell people. Surely nothing could go wrong now, right? I would have another appointment in 4 weeks. I was sick first thing in the morning when I had an empty stomach. I would always need to throw up. I felt pretty good throughout the day. I was just really bloated. This went on for about 2 weeks. Suddenly, everything stopped. It was like I just stopped feeling pregnant. I immediately knew something wasn't right. Upon our next appointment we found out that our babies had stopped growing at 8 weeks. We couldn't find the heartbeats anymore. It was so devastating. We had tried so hard and wanted it so bad. It was just gone. I ended up having a D&C the next day. However, a few hours before my procedure I ended up miscarrying naturally. I still went through with the procedure just to make sure everything was out. I ended up getting sick with a high fever the next day and over the weekend. I needed antibiotics. I couldn't be alone. I stayed with Mr. B's parents while he was at work. I took a couple of days off work to collect myself. Upon my return, I had so much love and support. My heart was still broken, but those around me made sure I was feeling better each day.

Here I am 3 years later....almost exactly 3 years since I found out I lost my twins (9/5/13). My heart has healed a lot over these last 3 years. We've tried on and off to get pregnant. I've been on progesterone supplements for about a year now to help regulate my cycle. Apparently I don't ovulate regularly. My doctor said the progesterone may help things. If not, she can give me clomid when we are ready to seriously pursue pregnancy. Since then, Mr. B and I are finally on the same page physically. It's no longer a chore to be together. I've grown to love that man so much more over these last few years. I appreciate the time we have together now. When the time comes again, we'll be ready. We just keep reminding ourselves that the Lord has a plan for us. We are on His time, not our own.

I have a couple of verses in Proverbs that I love because they remind me of this:
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." 
Proverbs 19:21
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6