9-11 Weeks and Afraid

I can't begin to explain my feelings at this point in my pregnancy. I was 11 weeks yesterday. With my  last pregnancy, I was so excited. I made it a point to sit down every Monday (the day I changed weeks) and write my weekly update of what was going on in my journey. This time around, it just doesn't seem like that big of a priority to me. That's just not fair to this baby. However, that is how I'm feeling. I'm just not excited about this pregnancy. I don't want to tell the world. I don't look forward to my next doctor's appointment. My previous experience has ruined everything for me, and I HATE that! I've gained 5 pounds over the past 3 months. I'd love to think that it's due to the baby, but all I feel is that it is due to the junk I've been eating. During those early weeks, I couldn't tolerate much. Healthy didn't sound good. I couldn't care less about a vegetable. I haven't been sick in almost 2 weeks. I do have more of an appetite now, but I don't like that either because I constantly eat. Again, I want to say it's OK because I'm pregnant. I just have a hard time believing I'm pregnant. My symptoms have been easing up. I'm trying to tell myself that they're supposed to since I'm nearing this second trimester, but I'm still anxious. I'm not completely symptom free. I still battle fatigue. I still have some food aversions at times. I do have an increased appetite. I still bloat easily. Heat burn and gas have become more apparent these later weeks.

I keep telling myself that this pregnancy feels different than the last time. Last time, everything just stopped one day. And it was much earlier on in the pregnancy. I also think, what are the chances of me having 2 missed miscarriages in a row? Would fate and coincidence really be that unkind to me? Would my body betray me again after making me wait 3 long years for another pregnancy? I want to believe that the answer is "no" to all these questions. I mean, the timing just seems so right. We were able to conceive on our own. We are both in a good place career wise. We are in a wonderful place in our relationship as husband and wife. The timing is just there. It's as if God is saying, "Now is the time!" Then why am I so doubtful? I fell like Thomas, the apostle, after Jesus was raised. Thomas refused to believe it was Jesus standing before him until he could see the wounds of the cross and put his hand in his side where he was pierced with the sword. I feel like unless I experience every blatant pregnancy symptom known to man, I'm not really pregnant. The Lord says, "blessed are those who do not see, yet believe." I'm simply letting seeds of doubt creep into my mind. I'm letting past experiences poison my experience. I should be celebrating this life that God has blessed me with. But all I can think about is that He is going to call him/her back home before I've had a chance to love them and raise them.

I've also done the thing that I said I would never do if I got pregnant again: read the internet. Why, oh why, can't I stay away? It's like I keep looking for something to find wrong with me. There's got to be something wrong with me....I just have to find it. I mean, how ridiculous is that!? As I'm typing this I'm feeling angry because for some reason I'm convinced I've already lost this baby. Every time I go to the restroom, I'm looking for blood. It's like I'll do anything to find it. I pray every night for God's protection over me and this baby. I pray for Him to ease my mind of worry. Why can't I believe?

I'm still taking weekly pictures. I did forget my 10 week picture since we were out of town that weekend. It just never seemed important enough to take it (see what I mean). Here is week 9 and 11. Still not convinced it's a baby bump....just bloat and the fat that was already there.

Week 9

Week 11