The Roller Coaster continues

So when I wrote my last post I had just received a phone call saying we were matched again with a birth mom due in August. We felt really good about this birth mom based off the information we had. She was older and had placed with this agency before. Things appeared to be going our way. This one would work out for sure, right?

Well, we never did the paperwork since we were waiting on her next doctor appointment to find out the gender and the updated due date. We waited a couple of weeks. Finally we heard that there was appointment scheduled for Wednesday and we get a call after. Well Wednesday came and we didn't get a call. Except we did. It came at 9:00 that night from Dana. I instantly knew it was not good news. We found out nature had interfered in our plans. Our birth mom miscarried. I know all too well what that feeling is like. I've been through 2 miscarriages. They are awful. Physically and emotionally. I was sad for our birth mom. Even though she didn't intend on keeping her baby, she did plan on her baby having a good life with someone else. She wanted that for her unborn baby. The pain of a loss of a life that has yet begun is tragic. I've experienced it in my own life and the life of others close to me. We also mourned the loss of yet another baby that was placed on our hearts. We still don't understand why we are experiencing so much loss in this area of our lives. 2 failed pregnancies. 2 failed adoption attempts. I feel really tested right now. My faith and strength is really being put to the test.

While I may feel tested, I also feel so much love from everyone in my life. So many people praying and desiring this for us. There are many people invested in our journey. It really makes me grateful that there are so many people who want to love on us and support us on our journey. We have the Sacred Selections fundraiser coming up in May. We are so very honored to be the family for this Spring's fundraiser. I think it will truly be a humbling experience to see everyone come out in support of us and our adoption journey. I don't know when the next baby will come along. Cooper and I were talking about this the other day. He thinks we will hear something around the end of April or sometime in May. I'm thinking it will be over the summer. I hope he is right and I am wrong. We were almost exactly 2 months removed from our last situation when  we got the call that we were matched again.

Things have not been working in my favor to have our own children either. We've started trying again, but just can't seem to get pregnant. I don't know what else to do. Financial strain prevents us from seeking more answers. Insurance just doesn't cover stuff like that for us. So we either keep trying, or just accept what is. I know adoption is a more realistic option for us. Either way, pregnancy or not, I know that I want to adopt. It's hard to start this journey and see all these children that need homes and not go through with it. At the same time, I'm concerned for how much heartbreak I can take. I like to think of myself as a strong person, but I wonder how far my strength reaches. How much can I take before I'm just done? I really don't want to find out. I'd rather not be pushed to the limit. I'm constantly reminded of the saying: "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it!"

I've started journaling,too. Actually handwriting all my thoughts is a lot of work! I have so much to say that my hand cramps. Once I get started, I just let everything go. People keep telling me one day all this will be worth it. When we have that baby in our arms, hear "mama" or "dada" the first time, watch them grow up and achieve things, etc....it will make all the pain and heartache worth it. I just have to keep that thought with me. I know there are so many children out there that need a home. I keep telling myself that it's not a matter of "if", it's just a matter of "when."

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  ~Jeremiah 29:11

No vs. Not Now

It's been about a month since my  last update. I've been struggling with what to say. I will say that I am just now getting back to my normal self. By normal, I mean not breaking into random fits of tears. That first month to month and a half that we were back was a crazy emotional roller coaster. There was one weekend where I cried pretty much the whole weekend. I Could. Not. Stop! I'd be driving down the road. Tears. I'd be watching TV. Tears. I'd be sitting in church. Tears. I had to get up from the service, go to the back bathroom, and just sit on the floor and ugly cry for like 20 minutes. I didn't realize it at the time, but my mood had seeped into my work. I guess I didn't realize how bad I'd been feeling since coming back to our "normal." These past 2-3 weeks have been much better. No random tears. Just a peace. I'd been struggling with wondering if God was telling me "no" or "not right now." It's really hard to know the difference. The last time I wrote, we had 2 babies that were a possibility since our disruption. Then we went a whole month without a single intake. The only communication came from our case worker one Monday afternoon. She was just checking in on us, telling us to keep the faith and that she was praying for us. I just had a feeling that was God's way of telling me that he's still here with us on this journey. We're not forgotten. Just wait a little longer.

This past Friday afternoon we received 2 intakes. Twin boys coming in early July and a baby girl coming mid August. Of course, we sent word that we were definitely interested in both. Then Monday afternoon we receive another intake for a baby coming in mid-August. Gender currently unknown. Yes! We are interested. We will always be interested. It doesn't matter the gender or race. We are ready to open our home and hearts to a child in need of a loving home. That sweet child will not care what color skin their parents have, so why should their perspective parents care what color skin they will have? We were just praying for each of these birth mothers that they were at peace with their decision and that we would feel "right" to one of them. You want to talk about a humbling experience....knowing that someone CHOSE you to raise their child when they could not. I never knew the feeling that would invoke in me. If that doesn't make you want to strive to be the best parent you could be, I don't know what will. I just hope that one day I look back on this when I'm feeling discouraged as a parent and remember that I was chosen. Chosen by a woman who knew she wanted a chance for her baby that she couldn't give them at that time. Chosen by God to help this sweet soul find their place in the world and in His kingdom.

Remember what I said about being tear free? Apparently writing this brings out the tears.....

Now we wait. Wait to be chosen. Wait for communication. Wait for the birth. Wait for bringing our new baby home. Wait on God to show his perfect timing. I still wish I could fully understand what God is teaching me through this journey. I have some thoughts. Just as soon as I think I know, well I don't know. What I do know is that continuous prayers to the Father is what will bring us through. It will help through the waiting.

"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith."

Matthew 21:22