A Quiet Struggle

Our sweet baby girl is 6 weeks old. I've been a mama for 6 weeks and have loved every bit of it. I honestly can't picture my life without that sweet girl. Everything we've been through has truly been worth it just to have her in our arms. Yes, all these years of struggles with infertility and even the recent failed adoptions over these past 8 years have all been worth it. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't suffer from quiet struggles within. You know, that slight tugging of your heart when you find out someone you know is pregnant...again. I'm happy for them. I'm happy with my sweet baby. But there's still that inner part of me that secretly longs to carry a child within me. A child that is part me and part my husband. While one ache within my heart has been made whole, another still looms. I now get to laugh and identify with other moms and their joys and struggles. But there's still that conversation that I just can't identify with.....pregnancy and giving birth. Those sayings "Oh, they get that from me or their daddy." I truly am content with this child I've been blessed with. I love her with everything I have. I'm even open to adopt again in the future. It still doesn't take away from that basic natural desire that most women have.....to conceive and have a child. I've been pregnant twice for such a short period of time. I didn't love it. It wasn't pleasant. I don't particularly want to gain all that weight, retain water, be in constant pain, swollen, in a permanent state of exhaustion, etc. But if I have to go through all that just to feel little flutters and kicks within my body knowing that my husband and I have created a new life, then yeah, I want all that.

All that being said, I've learned to be content with what I've been blessed with. I do not for one second take my sweet baby girl for granted or wish that she was someone else. She truly is my gift from God. He chose me to be her mama. I don't know why, but he did. I will take that job seriously for the rest of my life. Should he so choose to give me another child, either through adoption or through my own womb, I will take that job just as seriously. My baby girl's arrival in this world and in our family is truly a great story. A story that I want to write and share with her one day with pride and honor. I want her to always know how truly special she is to me and her father. We continue to thank God for her every day. We also continue to pray for more children....though adoption or natural means. I believe I've always been called to be a parent and to help children. That's one of the reasons I became a teacher. I have always just naturally been drawn to children. They truly are a blessing, even when they try to convince you otherwise.

My prayer is that I always remain thankful for what I've been blessed with and never take it for granted. I know there are women out there that are still waiting on their blessing. I pray that I always take the job of mama seriously and that I do it in the way God would have me do it....that His will be done.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am in to be content." Philippians 4:11 ESV

My First Mother's Day....A Truly Happy Day

My first Mother's Day....a day I've been dreaming about for years. Today also marks the day that my baby would've been a year old. I look back and think about the 3 angels I have in Heaven....4 year old twins and a 1 year old. Mother's Day has been bittersweet for me. I love celebrating my wonderful mother, but I've been longing for someone to call me "mama" for so long. So getting to snuggle my sweet Hannah all day today knowing that she is mine to love for always brought such joy to my heart. It also warms my heart to receive messages from her birth parents on this special day wishing me a happy first Mother's Day and how happy they are that they could bless us with this gift. I love their sweet, thoughtful hearts.

Today wasn't over the top, but it was perfect for me. Hannah managed to stay clean in her special Mother's Day outfit that I got for her. She was a champ through all the pictures we took today. Her and her daddy collaborated on a special painting for me. I love how Cooper wrote a message from Hannah in my Mother's Day card on on the back of my painting. So stinking cute! Cooper also bought my flowers and cupcakes. I chose a pendant that has Hannah's name engraved on the front with her birthstone and her birthday engraved on the back with her birthstone. We celebrated by having dinner with Cooper's parents at their house. Just a simple day filled with love and baby snuggles.

We've had our Hannah girl for a whole month now. I can hardly believe it. I am a mom! I have a baby girl! I still just can't believe this is my life now. I feel I'm doing pretty good rocking this mom life. It's not always easy, but I'm loving every minute of it. Anytime I think about a complaint, I just think to myself that this is what I've prayed for. Be thankful.

"Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!" 2 Corinthians 9:15 ESV

In honor of my sweet angel who was due on 5/13/17

In honor of my sweet twin angels that were due on 3/31/14

That Life Changing Call

I can't believe I'm finally getting to write this post. It's a post I've only dreamed about writing since I started this blog. I've heard stories of this happening. I just didn't want to believe it could happen to me. But it totally did! You know, that "out of the blue here's a baby for you just come and get her" sort of thing. It almost seems to good to be true. Everyone kept telling me God's timing is the perfect timing. While we all shake our head and agree with everyone when they say that, sometimes it can be hard to believe. This is true when you've had so many heartbreaks on your journey. I can honestly say, they were right. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I was somewhat prepared, but not expecting anything. I had gotten ahead of the game at work. I had exactly 38 days of paid leave, and there was exactly 38 days left of school when I got "the call." So here's our story of God's perfect timing to make the Browning's a family of 3.....

It was April 10th....

At work that day I was really getting stuff done. I had my grades done and finalized ready for report cards. I had my appraisal stuff all done ready for my final meeting. Lesson plans were done and submitted. Check. Check. Check. As I looked in my Google drive at the long term sub plans I'd typed in early January, I had a sad thought that I might as well delete them since I wasn't going to be needing them this school year. Yet, I just couldn't make myself do it.

Later at home I realize I'm out of baby wipes (I really like to use them). I don't want to go to the store, so I go into the "nursery" where I have a ton of wipes from a shower back in December. I think to myself, "I might as well use these. I don't think I'll be needing them anytime soon."

At 5:00 that evening I'm putting away dishes and looking at the clock thinking: "It's only 3:00 in Arizona. They're still working. There's still time for them to send me some intakes for a baby...."

15 minutes later.........
My phone rings. It's Dana. I knew it wasn't bad news. There's only one other possibility. But it couldn't be....or could it? Dana pretty much asks me if Cooper and I want to get on a plane to Phoenix to go get a baby girl. You can imagine my shock. She tells me to call Becky (our case worker) for details. When I call Becky, she gives me all the details on our baby girl. She was born on April 6th and was beautiful and healthy. She was going to be discharged in a couple of days. Consents were being signed that night. It was all becoming too real. We did have to wait a few days before the final consents were signed, and there was some minor drama, but it really wasn't too bad. We booked a flight out for Thursday afternoon. That would give me plenty of time to pack. I wasn't going to Arizona in the state I went last time. Nope. I'd be prepared! Next, I make all the phone calls.

April 11th.....

I go to work thinking I'm going to have the day to get things in order. Ha! I get a phone call around 12:30 saying my baby is being discharged today. Well, guess I'm headed to Arizona a day early. Basically, I had to up and leave right away if I was going to pack and get things in order before our evening flight. And that's what I did. Man! Was I glad that I got ahead! I went straight home and started making preparations. Our flight kept getting delayed, so I changed it to a flight that had a small layover in New Mexico.

A much needed Starbucks run on the way to the airport. I don't care if it's after 5:00 pm, I was in for a long night.

Just hanging out in Albuquerque, NM on the plane anxiously waiting to get to our daughter!!!

While we were waiting, we took that opportunity to check our messages. This picture of our baby girl was waiting on us. Our first glimpse at the beauty that would soon be our daughter!!! 

By the time we get to Phoenix, get our bags, get our car, and arrive at the house we're staying at....it's after 10:30 (AZ time). We are exhausted, but so excited. Becky was in the kitchen with Tom and Susan (our gracious hosts) where she turned that kitchen into a delivery room and presented us with our daughter!!!

Our first time meeting our baby girl. We couldn't believe how tiny she was!!! She weighed only 4 lbs and 13 oz when she was discharged from the hospital!

If you can't tell, I'm so in love. It was definitely love at first sight/snuggle!

Our first family picture!

We spent the next 2 weeks in Phoenix as we anxiously awaited the "all clear" to head back home to Texas. Details about our stay in AZ coming soon.....

Hannah Emily Faith Browning

Born: Friday, April 6, 2018

Weight: 5 lbs 7 oz

Length: 17 1/4 in

How we chose her name:

Hannah: Hannah in the Bible prayed to God for a son, and the Lord heard her prayer and gave her Samuel

Emily: Her birth mother gave her the name Emily, and we wanted her to have a name that represented her birth parents and her adoptive parents

Faith: We prayed to God and had faith that he would hear our prayers and send us a child to love

Browning: Baby girl will legally have our name sometime in late October!!!

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him." 

1 Samuel 1:27 ESV