9-11 Weeks and Afraid

I can't begin to explain my feelings at this point in my pregnancy. I was 11 weeks yesterday. With my  last pregnancy, I was so excited. I made it a point to sit down every Monday (the day I changed weeks) and write my weekly update of what was going on in my journey. This time around, it just doesn't seem like that big of a priority to me. That's just not fair to this baby. However, that is how I'm feeling. I'm just not excited about this pregnancy. I don't want to tell the world. I don't look forward to my next doctor's appointment. My previous experience has ruined everything for me, and I HATE that! I've gained 5 pounds over the past 3 months. I'd love to think that it's due to the baby, but all I feel is that it is due to the junk I've been eating. During those early weeks, I couldn't tolerate much. Healthy didn't sound good. I couldn't care less about a vegetable. I haven't been sick in almost 2 weeks. I do have more of an appetite now, but I don't like that either because I constantly eat. Again, I want to say it's OK because I'm pregnant. I just have a hard time believing I'm pregnant. My symptoms have been easing up. I'm trying to tell myself that they're supposed to since I'm nearing this second trimester, but I'm still anxious. I'm not completely symptom free. I still battle fatigue. I still have some food aversions at times. I do have an increased appetite. I still bloat easily. Heat burn and gas have become more apparent these later weeks.

I keep telling myself that this pregnancy feels different than the last time. Last time, everything just stopped one day. And it was much earlier on in the pregnancy. I also think, what are the chances of me having 2 missed miscarriages in a row? Would fate and coincidence really be that unkind to me? Would my body betray me again after making me wait 3 long years for another pregnancy? I want to believe that the answer is "no" to all these questions. I mean, the timing just seems so right. We were able to conceive on our own. We are both in a good place career wise. We are in a wonderful place in our relationship as husband and wife. The timing is just there. It's as if God is saying, "Now is the time!" Then why am I so doubtful? I fell like Thomas, the apostle, after Jesus was raised. Thomas refused to believe it was Jesus standing before him until he could see the wounds of the cross and put his hand in his side where he was pierced with the sword. I feel like unless I experience every blatant pregnancy symptom known to man, I'm not really pregnant. The Lord says, "blessed are those who do not see, yet believe." I'm simply letting seeds of doubt creep into my mind. I'm letting past experiences poison my experience. I should be celebrating this life that God has blessed me with. But all I can think about is that He is going to call him/her back home before I've had a chance to love them and raise them.

I've also done the thing that I said I would never do if I got pregnant again: read the internet. Why, oh why, can't I stay away? It's like I keep looking for something to find wrong with me. There's got to be something wrong with me....I just have to find it. I mean, how ridiculous is that!? As I'm typing this I'm feeling angry because for some reason I'm convinced I've already lost this baby. Every time I go to the restroom, I'm looking for blood. It's like I'll do anything to find it. I pray every night for God's protection over me and this baby. I pray for Him to ease my mind of worry. Why can't I believe?

I'm still taking weekly pictures. I did forget my 10 week picture since we were out of town that weekend. It just never seemed important enough to take it (see what I mean). Here is week 9 and 11. Still not convinced it's a baby bump....just bloat and the fat that was already there.

Week 9

Week 11

8 Weeks.....We can get through this

I'm not going to lie.....the week scares me. Last time I found out at my 10 week appointment that my babies stopped growing at 8 weeks. This is it. This is the week that broke my heart last time. I need this little peanut's heart to keep beating. I need this little peanut to keep growing. I had a panic attack last weekend when I did a middle of the night potty break and found blood on the toilet paper. This coming after the doctor told me I had a sensitive cervix and would probably see some blood if anything irritated my cervix. She specifically told me not to freak out because it wasn't coming from the baby. Sure, I can do that. WRONG! What's the first thing I do.....FREAK OUT! I wake up Mr. B from the sleep that he fights every night with a cough. I'm crying and in hysterics. He tries to calm me down. We pray together. I'm calmer now. Then I immediately have to get up and throw up. OK! I get the message. The baby is fine. All this next week I feel pretty pregnant. I'm exhausted. I'm emotional. I'm nauseous when I wake up. I'm nauseous after I eat dinner. I'm nauseous if I go too long without eating. Monday morning was rough for me. I wake up feeling like I've been hit with a semi-truck. I'm dizzy and decide that working out isn't going to happen. I sleep for another hour. I get up and I'm sick. I manage to eat a little something, but I get sick after I eat. Later that night, I couldn't even eat dinner because every bite made me sick. That's kind of how it went throughout the week. I was able to keep food down, but the nauseous feeling was there. I would be sipping on ginger ale on my way to work every morning.

Wednesday morning I had a meltdown at work with all the hormones and all the stress. My poor administrators had to give me a mini therapy session during my conference period. I had to have a chat with Robin (TPT) and just let her know that the 5 am workouts just aren't going to work for me right now. I hate everything about them at this point. I just can't start my day so early when I work, work, work all day long. I'm sick in the mornings. I don't even get to finish my workout because I have to leave early to get to work. I hate changing at work and lugging all my stuff to get ready. I just can't do it right now. So we are in the process of trying to work something out so I can still get my 3 days a week in and get some weights in there, too.

Friday was the first day where I kind of got sick during the day. I was needing to eat desperately by 10:00, then again at noon. Luckily, the food kept the nausea at bay. I was flat out exhausted when I finally got home from doing errands Friday evening.

Here it is on a Saturday morning. I slept till a little after 8. I've had a productive day. I feel pretty good, which sometimes worries me. I read forums on my app that women post on. It is reassuring to know that the absence of symptoms doesn't mean anything is wrong. When they're taking a day or two off, I should just be thankful. I am a little tired today, however. A nap wouldn't be a total disappointment. I made myself breakfast, ran to Target, started my laundry, straightened up the house, did my October calendar for work, finished up some book reviews, and now I'm getting some much needed blogging done. Oh yeah, I even went for a walk to get some exercise.

I really want to have a date night with Mr. B tonight to celebrate his success at work. I'm feeling a chicken fried steak at Babe's and then some dessert at Hey Sugar! He thinks I'm going to change my mind about date night (I guess I do that a lot), but I'm going to surprise him with a "yes" attitude. I hope. No, I will.

So here we are with the 8 week belly pic. Still sporting my usual chub, but I'm praying that peanut is still healthy and growing. This mom and dad want to meet you in May. You're going to make a great first Mother's Day present!!!!

Here we go again!

September 1, 2016....it's almost 9:00 and I'm just going to do it. I thought I'd put it off until Monday when I was a week late, but something in me just knew I needed to do it right now. I took the test. I did the 3 minute wait. I came back to find the result that I thought would never come....PREGNANT! Really? I guess it's true what they say....a woman just knows what her body is doing. I quickly text Mr. B while he's at work to inform him of his impending daddy status. He's thrilled! I don't feel any different except for maybe a little more tired, but that could be work related since I've started my new job and the demands are pretty intense. But that doesn't explain the late night potty trips and why I had the urge to get up and grab pretzels from my pantry and eat them at 1:00 in the morning.

I call the doctor the next day. They won't see me until I'm 8-10 weeks. I inform them of my past history and how I had to take Progesterone during my last pregnancy. They sent me in for some blood work to test my levels. They came back at a 7.5 and they preferred them to be a 10. So I'm back on the pills. I wasn't a bit surprised since I've been taking Progesterone once a month for 10 days out of the month to help with my cycles. I guess my body just doesn't make enough of it. Apparently, it's an easy fix with a pill. I'm thankful for that. I schedule my first appointment for September 23rd.

The time that follows doesn't leave me as anxious as before. I have too much going on at work to even remember that I'm pregnant. I do notice an increase in fatigue, the ladies are sore occasionally, and I do get a tad nauseated every now and then. Other than that, I felt relatively normal. I spoke with Robin (TPT) about my workouts during this time, and we tried to come up with a schedule to accommodate my needs.

Only a few people know at this point. We are telling people on a "need to know" basis right now until the doctor appointment. I'm tracking everything on an app on my phone. At the time of my appointment I calculate that I'm about 7 weeks 3 days. If you were to go off my LMP, I would be further along. However, I informed the doctors that I knew I wasn't that far along due to my longer cycles.

September 23 arrives. I take a half day off of work so I can make the 2:00 appointment. Mr. B takes off the whole day. I get off work around 11:30 and we decide to head to Market Street for some lunch. We finish up just in time to make it to the appointment. I fill out a ton of paperwork. Then I get to go back and do my first ultra sound. We were able to see our little peanut on an external sonogram and see the heartbeat. It was a strong 145 bpm. Next was our visit to the doctor. She said everything looked good. Based on the ultrasound, I'm measuring about 6 weeks and 6 days. Only 4 days away from my calculations. She said that was perfect. We were happy that things looked well. Of course, at this stage last time all things were looking well, too.

We decided to go ahead and tell our parents that evening. They were thrilled with the news. Mr. B's mom was in tears. Everyone knows how long we've been wanting to be parents. How long we've been trying to get pregnant since our last miscarriage. How long it took both of us to feel peace and acceptance at not having kids. I laugh because during the summer after I accepted this new job, I kept telling everyone that I was going to end up pregnant now that I had a new job that would keep me extremely busy. Guess I'm psychic. LOL

I told the doctor that my symptoms weren't that bad. I also told her that I just had an overall better feeling about this pregnancy that I did last time. She informed me that it'll be easier since I'm only pregnant with one baby. I'm also healthier than I was last time due to my working out since January.

I took my first "belly pic" at 7 weeks. I know it just looks like my normal chubby belly, but I know my peanut is in there. We know God is going to take care of us. We pray that He blesses us with this sweet child.