Here I sit with just a few days remaining in my Winter break from school. I can't believe that our baby is due 2 weeks from today! It hardly seems real to me. We've been making preparations every since we found out, but even with all the baby prep it still hasn't really sunk in yet. People keep asking me if I'm excited. I never know quite how to respond to that. I know others around me are excited, but I just can't seem to truly say that I am "excited." That wouldn't be the word I'd use to describe how I'm feeling. I think part of me is still in denial that this is actually happening, or at least is a very real possibility. However, there is that hopeful part of me that can't wait to walk through our front door holding this little bundle that we've been praying for. After several attempts to conceive and 2 failed pregnancies in the first trimester, the expectant arrival of a child seems like a far-fetched dream. This is as close as we've ever come to bringing home a child. However, the realist in me knows that we could walk away empty handed. Everyone around me tells me not to think that way, but after what I've been through I just can't help it. Although, it's not like me being less hopeful or more "realistic" would make the pain hurt any less. It would still be a crushing blow. I just keep hearing my dad's words in my head: "You will get the child you are meant to have. I know it will happen. God has a child just for you." I guess I'm currently having an inner struggle with myself about my feelings. The proverbial "angel vs. devil" on the should thing. The angel represents the faithful part of me that is trying every day to trust in the plans the Lord has for me. The part that is saying, "Enjoy all things baby right now. This is your time. Let those who love and support you surround you with joy and gladness."
However, Satan is tugging on the other side. You know, the side that says, "This life isn't meant for you. You've failed countless times at this. This time will be no different." Oh, how I just want to punch him in the face and tell him to go away. But he's there. Every day. We pray daily for our child whom we haven't even met yet. Others around us are fervently praying for our child they haven't met yet. It's comforting (also a little nerve-racking) to get those phone calls from the agency and/or the birth mother. It's like another step to validation that this IS happening.
So what do I say when people ask if I'm ready or if I'm excited? I just tell them that I'm sure it will all hit me when I'm in the hospital holding them and we get the all clear to come home. Until then, I'm completely nervous, and I still feel like this is happening to someone else.
This seems like a fitting verse to close out this post:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Sunday, December 10, 2017
They weren't kidding when the said FAST!!!
It's only been a few short weeks since my last update; however, there is sooooo much information to share. Where to begin??? Let's start with the day before Thanksgiving.
Our profile is just waiting on a few pictures that we will take during the Thanksgiving holiday. The writing part is finished. So it's a surprise when we receive our first birth mother intake the day before Thanksgiving since we haven't even submitted our profile. We read over our first intake and automatically respond with interest. Our profile was completed on Saturday evening and submitted. We were going to be shown on Tuesday. We never heard anything back. I wasn't sure how the time line worked. The following Thursday we receive intake number 2. Again, we're interested! We would be shown to her on Monday. That Monday (12/6) we get a call from Dana (the lovely lady from Sacred Selections) that the birth mother is asking questions about us. We took that as a good sign. So I wait to hear back. Nothing. Tuesday morning I get sent intake number three. I can't wait to get home and read it, so I ignore everyone at lunch to read this 26 page document. I have questions, so I text Dana and ask if I can call her after work. I call her and ask my questions. She is wondering if this is the first or second intake she sent me that day. I respond that I only received one for a baby due in June. She said she had another one she meant to send me for a baby due in January. I get that later that evening. Again, we respond with interest. We would be shown to both mothers on Thursday.
I'm sitting with Mr. B that night after reading the intake saying, "I feel this is our baby. I don't know why, but this is the one who will choose us." He asks why I think that. I explain simply because it's very soon and we aren't expecting something so soon. That, and I noticed the birth parents and I have similar interests. So we wait. I knew that I'd be glued to my phone on Thursday waiting to hear something. So imagine my surprise when I get a call Wednesday afternoon as I come in from lunch. Dana's name comes up on my phone. It can only be good news at this point! I immediately take the call outside since there's zero reception in my school! She answers with a "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" and let's us know that we've been chosen. That intake from Tuesday night, the one I had a feeling about, chose us! I could hardly believe it!!! Not only did they choose us, but they were excited about us. That made my heart so happy. Someone was excited about us and chose us to raise their child! What an honor!!!
Things just took off from there! I get in touch with the agency and find out our next steps. I receive an email with more paperwork. We set up a call for Thursday evening to talk with the birth mother. I'm waiting on Thursday for the call and it never comes. A mild panic may have set in. Then I get a call from Dana informing me of why the call didn't take place. Easing my sneaking paranoia. The call is scheduled again for Friday evening. Again I wait for a call that never comes. This time the birth mom was working late. So we reschedule for Saturday afternoon. Again, nothing. I get a text later that evening explaining the another emergency came up. She assures me everything is fine. She said we would try again tomorrow (which is today, Sunday). I still haven't heard anything at the time of writing this; however, I'm not concerned. I get concerned when I have a definite time and date that I'm expecting something and it doesn't happen. If it's more open-ended, I'm fine. I'm thankful this is happening so soon. I don't know how I would've done if I had 3 or 4 months to wait. I can only imagine.
So now we are in full on prep mode. My friend Kelli instantly started talking about shower plans. We are also thinking of ideas to help raise money for some of the adoption costs. I'm sure when the word gets out on my social media page, friends and family will want to support us in our journey. We have our accommodations planned out, our flights taken care of, and a plan for a shower. Kelli and I are going out after church next Sunday to register for my shower. I can't believe I'm about to register for a baby! I never thought I'd get to do this. I'm ready to dive into all things baby! That nursery will get done!!!
I've got plans for a tribal theme with feathers and bows and arrows! Oh and all the woodland creatures! We've been thinking up names for a sweet little guy, too. The time will fly, especially since I'm about to be off for 2 weeks for the holiday break. Once I come back to work, I'll be waiting on that call to jump on a plane and head to Arizona to meet our little man!
Our profile is just waiting on a few pictures that we will take during the Thanksgiving holiday. The writing part is finished. So it's a surprise when we receive our first birth mother intake the day before Thanksgiving since we haven't even submitted our profile. We read over our first intake and automatically respond with interest. Our profile was completed on Saturday evening and submitted. We were going to be shown on Tuesday. We never heard anything back. I wasn't sure how the time line worked. The following Thursday we receive intake number 2. Again, we're interested! We would be shown to her on Monday. That Monday (12/6) we get a call from Dana (the lovely lady from Sacred Selections) that the birth mother is asking questions about us. We took that as a good sign. So I wait to hear back. Nothing. Tuesday morning I get sent intake number three. I can't wait to get home and read it, so I ignore everyone at lunch to read this 26 page document. I have questions, so I text Dana and ask if I can call her after work. I call her and ask my questions. She is wondering if this is the first or second intake she sent me that day. I respond that I only received one for a baby due in June. She said she had another one she meant to send me for a baby due in January. I get that later that evening. Again, we respond with interest. We would be shown to both mothers on Thursday.
I'm sitting with Mr. B that night after reading the intake saying, "I feel this is our baby. I don't know why, but this is the one who will choose us." He asks why I think that. I explain simply because it's very soon and we aren't expecting something so soon. That, and I noticed the birth parents and I have similar interests. So we wait. I knew that I'd be glued to my phone on Thursday waiting to hear something. So imagine my surprise when I get a call Wednesday afternoon as I come in from lunch. Dana's name comes up on my phone. It can only be good news at this point! I immediately take the call outside since there's zero reception in my school! She answers with a "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" and let's us know that we've been chosen. That intake from Tuesday night, the one I had a feeling about, chose us! I could hardly believe it!!! Not only did they choose us, but they were excited about us. That made my heart so happy. Someone was excited about us and chose us to raise their child! What an honor!!!
Things just took off from there! I get in touch with the agency and find out our next steps. I receive an email with more paperwork. We set up a call for Thursday evening to talk with the birth mother. I'm waiting on Thursday for the call and it never comes. A mild panic may have set in. Then I get a call from Dana informing me of why the call didn't take place. Easing my sneaking paranoia. The call is scheduled again for Friday evening. Again I wait for a call that never comes. This time the birth mom was working late. So we reschedule for Saturday afternoon. Again, nothing. I get a text later that evening explaining the another emergency came up. She assures me everything is fine. She said we would try again tomorrow (which is today, Sunday). I still haven't heard anything at the time of writing this; however, I'm not concerned. I get concerned when I have a definite time and date that I'm expecting something and it doesn't happen. If it's more open-ended, I'm fine. I'm thankful this is happening so soon. I don't know how I would've done if I had 3 or 4 months to wait. I can only imagine.
So now we are in full on prep mode. My friend Kelli instantly started talking about shower plans. We are also thinking of ideas to help raise money for some of the adoption costs. I'm sure when the word gets out on my social media page, friends and family will want to support us in our journey. We have our accommodations planned out, our flights taken care of, and a plan for a shower. Kelli and I are going out after church next Sunday to register for my shower. I can't believe I'm about to register for a baby! I never thought I'd get to do this. I'm ready to dive into all things baby! That nursery will get done!!!
I've got plans for a tribal theme with feathers and bows and arrows! Oh and all the woodland creatures! We've been thinking up names for a sweet little guy, too. The time will fly, especially since I'm about to be off for 2 weeks for the holiday break. Once I come back to work, I'll be waiting on that call to jump on a plane and head to Arizona to meet our little man!
Here's the poem I wrote to announce to people at church about our good news. We had this stuck in our gift for the gift exchange at our annual holiday party. The person that chose this gift had to read out news to everyone. It was so fun. So much fun that I'm having my principal read it aloud this Thursday at our faculty meeting. It'll be more fun since not too many people at work know the news.
Here are the flowers Mr. B and his parents brought me Wednesday afternoon. They were so excited about the news that they couldn't even wait until I got home from work to share the joy. They drove the 20 miles to my school to surprise me!
Our prayer now is for the birth parents to stay strong and remain firm in their decision. We pray for a safe and healthy delivery for mom and baby. We pray the process continues to go smoothly and all things work out. We can't wait to be home and raise our blessing.
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us..." Ephesians 3:20
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
So Many Things Change in a Year....Including the Heart
Has it really been a year since I last sat down to reflect on this journey? So much has happened this last year. I've since moved on from our second pregnancy lost. I've even rejoiced with a dear friend over the birth of her own rainbow baby in September. Sure, we've tried to conceive again since my last post. However, nothing has come of it. Only this time, I wasn't met with frustration and anger over the lack of outcome. Mr. B and I went on another fabulous vacation-2 actually. We continued our summer travel adventures. That was the plan. Travel every summer until we had children. We would find contentment in our lives with or without children. If we weren't meant to be parents, then we would enjoy one another to our fullest! Something changed this summer in our hearts.....
Sometime in July, a friend and former co-worker from my previous school contacted me about one of my former students who was brought into the foster care system the year they were in my class. That child is now 11 and still in the foster care system looking to be adopted. We always had the possibility of adoption in our minds. We just knew that if and when we made that decision it would be when we were 100% ready to become parents. This is different than conceiving and having 9 months to process everything. Adoption is an investment in time and money with a very uncertain outcome. However, when I saw this child, I knew right then and there that I was ready. After a talk with Mr. B, he assured me he was ready and that we needed to do this. It was time to pursue this. So, we contacted a friend from church who had gone through this process a few years ago and got all her advice and suggestions. She put us in contact with a social worker and someone who could possibly help us fund the majority of the adoption process. In late August, our journey began.
The first step was to complete the home study process. We had to fund that ourselves. Luckily, the bank of Mom and Dad was able to float us a loan to cover the expenses for the home study that we could pay back when we were able. Blessings continued to flow when Mr. B came into some extra money from work that allowed us to pay for our state and FBI background checks. We gathered all the paper work and had our site visit. Things went smoothly. Well, unless you count those pesky encrypted FBI background check reports. Thankfully, a very smart "techy" man at church was able to un-encrypt those bad boys in under 5 minutes. Throughout this process we were also completing the paperwork for the grant that we'd be applying for to help fund the adoption costs.
Fast forward to November 11th: we attend our first Sacred Selections fundraiser. This organization helps Christian families fund the "big" costs of the adoption process. We wanted to get involved immediately and meet other families who were, or have gone, through this experience we were embarking on. We were able to meet the founders of the organization. They attended worship services with us the following day then had lunch with them after services. I was able to attend an informal adoption workshop later that afternoon with them and other adoption hopefuls. It was an eye-opening experience. A good one.
I have to speak to the out pour of love, devotion, and support we've gotten from friends, family, and even strangers throughout all this. To start, all the wonderful letters of recommendation we received from friends and family were beyond amazing and brought us to tears. We really are blessed with amazing people in our lives. Next, I have to speak to the generosity of everyone in our lives. My parents who fronted the money for our home study and giving us baby furniture. I can't speak enough to how much it means to have our parents' support in all this. Mr. B's parents for doing little odds and ends things for us to make our home beautiful. They're willing to paint a nursery and fix up old furniture. Anything we need, our parents are quick to give in whatever ways they can. Then there's the kind family at church who donated the money we needed to complete our adoption profile. They knew it was the last step in this process and that we just didn't have the means to get it done right away. They want this for us so much that they without hesitation gave us the money to get it done. Needless to say, my husband and I were speechless and in tears. Then there's the couple I met at the adoption workshop who just handed me some money as I was leaving that afternoon. No questions asked. They simply stated they were blessed and wanted to bless others. Again, cue the water works. Then there's a young co-worker of Mr. B's who handed him an envelope with money in it one day at work. There's been many times when a dear friend has said to me, "Don't worry about the money. It will come when it needs to. People are there for you and want to help you!" God has truly blessed us in this journey so far.
So what's our status? The paper work is done and almost ready to be sent in as of this moment. Our profile should be completed within the next week. After that, we wait to be matched. From everything I've heard, this process goes very quickly because they are in need of families. We're hopeful for a baby by spring! We're getting a head start on that nursery. We want to be ready for our new little bundle when he or she arrives. The Browning's have an abundance of love to give, and we're just waiting on the right child to make their way into our home and hearts!
Our yearly tradition of picking out a new ornament for our main tree: something that signifies an even in our life that year. "Hope gives us wings to fly." This ornament if for the hope and faith we have going forward in our journey to become parents. 2018 is going to be our year!!!
"But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:6 ESV
Sometime in July, a friend and former co-worker from my previous school contacted me about one of my former students who was brought into the foster care system the year they were in my class. That child is now 11 and still in the foster care system looking to be adopted. We always had the possibility of adoption in our minds. We just knew that if and when we made that decision it would be when we were 100% ready to become parents. This is different than conceiving and having 9 months to process everything. Adoption is an investment in time and money with a very uncertain outcome. However, when I saw this child, I knew right then and there that I was ready. After a talk with Mr. B, he assured me he was ready and that we needed to do this. It was time to pursue this. So, we contacted a friend from church who had gone through this process a few years ago and got all her advice and suggestions. She put us in contact with a social worker and someone who could possibly help us fund the majority of the adoption process. In late August, our journey began.
The first step was to complete the home study process. We had to fund that ourselves. Luckily, the bank of Mom and Dad was able to float us a loan to cover the expenses for the home study that we could pay back when we were able. Blessings continued to flow when Mr. B came into some extra money from work that allowed us to pay for our state and FBI background checks. We gathered all the paper work and had our site visit. Things went smoothly. Well, unless you count those pesky encrypted FBI background check reports. Thankfully, a very smart "techy" man at church was able to un-encrypt those bad boys in under 5 minutes. Throughout this process we were also completing the paperwork for the grant that we'd be applying for to help fund the adoption costs.
Fast forward to November 11th: we attend our first Sacred Selections fundraiser. This organization helps Christian families fund the "big" costs of the adoption process. We wanted to get involved immediately and meet other families who were, or have gone, through this experience we were embarking on. We were able to meet the founders of the organization. They attended worship services with us the following day then had lunch with them after services. I was able to attend an informal adoption workshop later that afternoon with them and other adoption hopefuls. It was an eye-opening experience. A good one.
I have to speak to the out pour of love, devotion, and support we've gotten from friends, family, and even strangers throughout all this. To start, all the wonderful letters of recommendation we received from friends and family were beyond amazing and brought us to tears. We really are blessed with amazing people in our lives. Next, I have to speak to the generosity of everyone in our lives. My parents who fronted the money for our home study and giving us baby furniture. I can't speak enough to how much it means to have our parents' support in all this. Mr. B's parents for doing little odds and ends things for us to make our home beautiful. They're willing to paint a nursery and fix up old furniture. Anything we need, our parents are quick to give in whatever ways they can. Then there's the kind family at church who donated the money we needed to complete our adoption profile. They knew it was the last step in this process and that we just didn't have the means to get it done right away. They want this for us so much that they without hesitation gave us the money to get it done. Needless to say, my husband and I were speechless and in tears. Then there's the couple I met at the adoption workshop who just handed me some money as I was leaving that afternoon. No questions asked. They simply stated they were blessed and wanted to bless others. Again, cue the water works. Then there's a young co-worker of Mr. B's who handed him an envelope with money in it one day at work. There's been many times when a dear friend has said to me, "Don't worry about the money. It will come when it needs to. People are there for you and want to help you!" God has truly blessed us in this journey so far.
So what's our status? The paper work is done and almost ready to be sent in as of this moment. Our profile should be completed within the next week. After that, we wait to be matched. From everything I've heard, this process goes very quickly because they are in need of families. We're hopeful for a baby by spring! We're getting a head start on that nursery. We want to be ready for our new little bundle when he or she arrives. The Browning's have an abundance of love to give, and we're just waiting on the right child to make their way into our home and hearts!
"But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:6 ESV
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Just Another Bump in the Road on our Journey
October 22, 2016.....(supposed to be just over 11 weeks)
It's a Sunday and I have a whole week to go before my next doctor's appointment. I'm not going to make it. The anxiety is just too much. I have this feeling like something is going to go wrong. Yes, my symptoms have declined. But wait....I'm nearing the end of the first trimester, so they're supposed to. Right?
Later that evening I notice some spotting. Even though I promised myself no internet reading this pregnancy, I lied. The spotting and brown that I see is a sign of a missed miscarriage....so I've read. I'm just too freaked out to not check it out. I make Mr. B take me to the ER that night to get it checked out. After several hours in the ER, we find out that the baby is only measuring 7 weeks and 4 days and had no heart beat. That can't be right! I went to the doctor at 6 weeks 6 days. It can't be true that my baby died just a few short days after that. I've been feeling all kinds of symptoms at 8, 9, and even 10 weeks. What is going on? Is my body lying to me?
I decide to take off work the next day to try to get in to see my doctor. The doctor can't see me until Wednesday. It won't even be the doctor. It's the nurse practitioner. Guess I'm going to take off for another 2 days. Who am I kidding? I need to just take off the whole week to deal with this and process everything.
Sunday night I'm an emotional wreck. I'm crying to my dad on the phone asking him why this is happening to me. All the while he's trying to keep my faithful. Remember my faith. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. That's hard to hear when you just lost your second pregnancy in a row. And it took me 3 years to conceive this baby! I want answers! Why me? I eventually get to sleep.
October 23, 2016.....
It's Monday. I have Mr. B with me until 2:00 when he has to go to work. I decide to visit with a friend who knows how I feel and can provide distraction and comfort. We spend the afternoon talking and just hanging out. Around 5:00 I head home where my father-in-law is waiting to pick me up so I can spend the remainder of the evening with them until Mr. B gets off work at 10:00. When I arrive home, the cramps start. I know what's going to happen. I won't have to go to the hospital for a D&C this pregnancy. My body is going to take care of this....tonight. As the night progressed, so did the cramps and the pain. Luckily, I had some pain pills and a heating pad. By the time Mr. B came to pick me up, my body had done its job. The baby was gone. My appointment on Wednesday confirmed it.
The rest of the week I enjoy my solitude at home reading and watching TV. I don't want to go out or be around anyone but Mr. B. I went to my regularly scheduled doctor's appointment Friday afternoon. We discussed my options. I decided to do a blood test that would see if I had a blood clotting issue which would cause me to lose a pregnancy. That came back normal. I'm thinking of going to have a test done to see if there is a problem with my uterus over Christmas break. The only other test would be a blood test on me and Mr. B to see if there are chromosomal problems. I'm not ready to go there just yet.
We went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory after my appointment. We didn't get to do his birthday dinner out, so that gave us an opportunity to go out. I returned to work that following Monday and resumed my normal life.
*Reflections on this experience coming up in next post!
It's a Sunday and I have a whole week to go before my next doctor's appointment. I'm not going to make it. The anxiety is just too much. I have this feeling like something is going to go wrong. Yes, my symptoms have declined. But wait....I'm nearing the end of the first trimester, so they're supposed to. Right?
Later that evening I notice some spotting. Even though I promised myself no internet reading this pregnancy, I lied. The spotting and brown that I see is a sign of a missed miscarriage....so I've read. I'm just too freaked out to not check it out. I make Mr. B take me to the ER that night to get it checked out. After several hours in the ER, we find out that the baby is only measuring 7 weeks and 4 days and had no heart beat. That can't be right! I went to the doctor at 6 weeks 6 days. It can't be true that my baby died just a few short days after that. I've been feeling all kinds of symptoms at 8, 9, and even 10 weeks. What is going on? Is my body lying to me?
I decide to take off work the next day to try to get in to see my doctor. The doctor can't see me until Wednesday. It won't even be the doctor. It's the nurse practitioner. Guess I'm going to take off for another 2 days. Who am I kidding? I need to just take off the whole week to deal with this and process everything.
Sunday night I'm an emotional wreck. I'm crying to my dad on the phone asking him why this is happening to me. All the while he's trying to keep my faithful. Remember my faith. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. That's hard to hear when you just lost your second pregnancy in a row. And it took me 3 years to conceive this baby! I want answers! Why me? I eventually get to sleep.
October 23, 2016.....
It's Monday. I have Mr. B with me until 2:00 when he has to go to work. I decide to visit with a friend who knows how I feel and can provide distraction and comfort. We spend the afternoon talking and just hanging out. Around 5:00 I head home where my father-in-law is waiting to pick me up so I can spend the remainder of the evening with them until Mr. B gets off work at 10:00. When I arrive home, the cramps start. I know what's going to happen. I won't have to go to the hospital for a D&C this pregnancy. My body is going to take care of this....tonight. As the night progressed, so did the cramps and the pain. Luckily, I had some pain pills and a heating pad. By the time Mr. B came to pick me up, my body had done its job. The baby was gone. My appointment on Wednesday confirmed it.
The rest of the week I enjoy my solitude at home reading and watching TV. I don't want to go out or be around anyone but Mr. B. I went to my regularly scheduled doctor's appointment Friday afternoon. We discussed my options. I decided to do a blood test that would see if I had a blood clotting issue which would cause me to lose a pregnancy. That came back normal. I'm thinking of going to have a test done to see if there is a problem with my uterus over Christmas break. The only other test would be a blood test on me and Mr. B to see if there are chromosomal problems. I'm not ready to go there just yet.
We went out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory after my appointment. We didn't get to do his birthday dinner out, so that gave us an opportunity to go out. I returned to work that following Monday and resumed my normal life.
*Reflections on this experience coming up in next post!
Sunday, October 23, 2016
9-11 Weeks and Afraid
I can't begin to explain my feelings at this point in my pregnancy. I was 11 weeks yesterday. With my last pregnancy, I was so excited. I made it a point to sit down every Monday (the day I changed weeks) and write my weekly update of what was going on in my journey. This time around, it just doesn't seem like that big of a priority to me. That's just not fair to this baby. However, that is how I'm feeling. I'm just not excited about this pregnancy. I don't want to tell the world. I don't look forward to my next doctor's appointment. My previous experience has ruined everything for me, and I HATE that! I've gained 5 pounds over the past 3 months. I'd love to think that it's due to the baby, but all I feel is that it is due to the junk I've been eating. During those early weeks, I couldn't tolerate much. Healthy didn't sound good. I couldn't care less about a vegetable. I haven't been sick in almost 2 weeks. I do have more of an appetite now, but I don't like that either because I constantly eat. Again, I want to say it's OK because I'm pregnant. I just have a hard time believing I'm pregnant. My symptoms have been easing up. I'm trying to tell myself that they're supposed to since I'm nearing this second trimester, but I'm still anxious. I'm not completely symptom free. I still battle fatigue. I still have some food aversions at times. I do have an increased appetite. I still bloat easily. Heat burn and gas have become more apparent these later weeks.
I keep telling myself that this pregnancy feels different than the last time. Last time, everything just stopped one day. And it was much earlier on in the pregnancy. I also think, what are the chances of me having 2 missed miscarriages in a row? Would fate and coincidence really be that unkind to me? Would my body betray me again after making me wait 3 long years for another pregnancy? I want to believe that the answer is "no" to all these questions. I mean, the timing just seems so right. We were able to conceive on our own. We are both in a good place career wise. We are in a wonderful place in our relationship as husband and wife. The timing is just there. It's as if God is saying, "Now is the time!" Then why am I so doubtful? I fell like Thomas, the apostle, after Jesus was raised. Thomas refused to believe it was Jesus standing before him until he could see the wounds of the cross and put his hand in his side where he was pierced with the sword. I feel like unless I experience every blatant pregnancy symptom known to man, I'm not really pregnant. The Lord says, "blessed are those who do not see, yet believe." I'm simply letting seeds of doubt creep into my mind. I'm letting past experiences poison my experience. I should be celebrating this life that God has blessed me with. But all I can think about is that He is going to call him/her back home before I've had a chance to love them and raise them.
I've also done the thing that I said I would never do if I got pregnant again: read the internet. Why, oh why, can't I stay away? It's like I keep looking for something to find wrong with me. There's got to be something wrong with me....I just have to find it. I mean, how ridiculous is that!? As I'm typing this I'm feeling angry because for some reason I'm convinced I've already lost this baby. Every time I go to the restroom, I'm looking for blood. It's like I'll do anything to find it. I pray every night for God's protection over me and this baby. I pray for Him to ease my mind of worry. Why can't I believe?
I'm still taking weekly pictures. I did forget my 10 week picture since we were out of town that weekend. It just never seemed important enough to take it (see what I mean). Here is week 9 and 11. Still not convinced it's a baby bump....just bloat and the fat that was already there.
I keep telling myself that this pregnancy feels different than the last time. Last time, everything just stopped one day. And it was much earlier on in the pregnancy. I also think, what are the chances of me having 2 missed miscarriages in a row? Would fate and coincidence really be that unkind to me? Would my body betray me again after making me wait 3 long years for another pregnancy? I want to believe that the answer is "no" to all these questions. I mean, the timing just seems so right. We were able to conceive on our own. We are both in a good place career wise. We are in a wonderful place in our relationship as husband and wife. The timing is just there. It's as if God is saying, "Now is the time!" Then why am I so doubtful? I fell like Thomas, the apostle, after Jesus was raised. Thomas refused to believe it was Jesus standing before him until he could see the wounds of the cross and put his hand in his side where he was pierced with the sword. I feel like unless I experience every blatant pregnancy symptom known to man, I'm not really pregnant. The Lord says, "blessed are those who do not see, yet believe." I'm simply letting seeds of doubt creep into my mind. I'm letting past experiences poison my experience. I should be celebrating this life that God has blessed me with. But all I can think about is that He is going to call him/her back home before I've had a chance to love them and raise them.
I've also done the thing that I said I would never do if I got pregnant again: read the internet. Why, oh why, can't I stay away? It's like I keep looking for something to find wrong with me. There's got to be something wrong with me....I just have to find it. I mean, how ridiculous is that!? As I'm typing this I'm feeling angry because for some reason I'm convinced I've already lost this baby. Every time I go to the restroom, I'm looking for blood. It's like I'll do anything to find it. I pray every night for God's protection over me and this baby. I pray for Him to ease my mind of worry. Why can't I believe?
I'm still taking weekly pictures. I did forget my 10 week picture since we were out of town that weekend. It just never seemed important enough to take it (see what I mean). Here is week 9 and 11. Still not convinced it's a baby bump....just bloat and the fat that was already there.
Week 9
Week 11
Saturday, October 1, 2016
8 Weeks.....We can get through this
I'm not going to lie.....the week scares me. Last time I found out at my 10 week appointment that my babies stopped growing at 8 weeks. This is it. This is the week that broke my heart last time. I need this little peanut's heart to keep beating. I need this little peanut to keep growing. I had a panic attack last weekend when I did a middle of the night potty break and found blood on the toilet paper. This coming after the doctor told me I had a sensitive cervix and would probably see some blood if anything irritated my cervix. She specifically told me not to freak out because it wasn't coming from the baby. Sure, I can do that. WRONG! What's the first thing I do.....FREAK OUT! I wake up Mr. B from the sleep that he fights every night with a cough. I'm crying and in hysterics. He tries to calm me down. We pray together. I'm calmer now. Then I immediately have to get up and throw up. OK! I get the message. The baby is fine. All this next week I feel pretty pregnant. I'm exhausted. I'm emotional. I'm nauseous when I wake up. I'm nauseous after I eat dinner. I'm nauseous if I go too long without eating. Monday morning was rough for me. I wake up feeling like I've been hit with a semi-truck. I'm dizzy and decide that working out isn't going to happen. I sleep for another hour. I get up and I'm sick. I manage to eat a little something, but I get sick after I eat. Later that night, I couldn't even eat dinner because every bite made me sick. That's kind of how it went throughout the week. I was able to keep food down, but the nauseous feeling was there. I would be sipping on ginger ale on my way to work every morning.
Wednesday morning I had a meltdown at work with all the hormones and all the stress. My poor administrators had to give me a mini therapy session during my conference period. I had to have a chat with Robin (TPT) and just let her know that the 5 am workouts just aren't going to work for me right now. I hate everything about them at this point. I just can't start my day so early when I work, work, work all day long. I'm sick in the mornings. I don't even get to finish my workout because I have to leave early to get to work. I hate changing at work and lugging all my stuff to get ready. I just can't do it right now. So we are in the process of trying to work something out so I can still get my 3 days a week in and get some weights in there, too.
Friday was the first day where I kind of got sick during the day. I was needing to eat desperately by 10:00, then again at noon. Luckily, the food kept the nausea at bay. I was flat out exhausted when I finally got home from doing errands Friday evening.
Here it is on a Saturday morning. I slept till a little after 8. I've had a productive day. I feel pretty good, which sometimes worries me. I read forums on my app that women post on. It is reassuring to know that the absence of symptoms doesn't mean anything is wrong. When they're taking a day or two off, I should just be thankful. I am a little tired today, however. A nap wouldn't be a total disappointment. I made myself breakfast, ran to Target, started my laundry, straightened up the house, did my October calendar for work, finished up some book reviews, and now I'm getting some much needed blogging done. Oh yeah, I even went for a walk to get some exercise.
I really want to have a date night with Mr. B tonight to celebrate his success at work. I'm feeling a chicken fried steak at Babe's and then some dessert at Hey Sugar! He thinks I'm going to change my mind about date night (I guess I do that a lot), but I'm going to surprise him with a "yes" attitude. I hope. No, I will.
So here we are with the 8 week belly pic. Still sporting my usual chub, but I'm praying that peanut is still healthy and growing. This mom and dad want to meet you in May. You're going to make a great first Mother's Day present!!!!
Wednesday morning I had a meltdown at work with all the hormones and all the stress. My poor administrators had to give me a mini therapy session during my conference period. I had to have a chat with Robin (TPT) and just let her know that the 5 am workouts just aren't going to work for me right now. I hate everything about them at this point. I just can't start my day so early when I work, work, work all day long. I'm sick in the mornings. I don't even get to finish my workout because I have to leave early to get to work. I hate changing at work and lugging all my stuff to get ready. I just can't do it right now. So we are in the process of trying to work something out so I can still get my 3 days a week in and get some weights in there, too.
Friday was the first day where I kind of got sick during the day. I was needing to eat desperately by 10:00, then again at noon. Luckily, the food kept the nausea at bay. I was flat out exhausted when I finally got home from doing errands Friday evening.
Here it is on a Saturday morning. I slept till a little after 8. I've had a productive day. I feel pretty good, which sometimes worries me. I read forums on my app that women post on. It is reassuring to know that the absence of symptoms doesn't mean anything is wrong. When they're taking a day or two off, I should just be thankful. I am a little tired today, however. A nap wouldn't be a total disappointment. I made myself breakfast, ran to Target, started my laundry, straightened up the house, did my October calendar for work, finished up some book reviews, and now I'm getting some much needed blogging done. Oh yeah, I even went for a walk to get some exercise.
I really want to have a date night with Mr. B tonight to celebrate his success at work. I'm feeling a chicken fried steak at Babe's and then some dessert at Hey Sugar! He thinks I'm going to change my mind about date night (I guess I do that a lot), but I'm going to surprise him with a "yes" attitude. I hope. No, I will.
So here we are with the 8 week belly pic. Still sporting my usual chub, but I'm praying that peanut is still healthy and growing. This mom and dad want to meet you in May. You're going to make a great first Mother's Day present!!!!
Here we go again!
September 1, 2016....it's almost 9:00 and I'm just going to do it. I thought I'd put it off until Monday when I was a week late, but something in me just knew I needed to do it right now. I took the test. I did the 3 minute wait. I came back to find the result that I thought would never come....PREGNANT! Really? I guess it's true what they say....a woman just knows what her body is doing. I quickly text Mr. B while he's at work to inform him of his impending daddy status. He's thrilled! I don't feel any different except for maybe a little more tired, but that could be work related since I've started my new job and the demands are pretty intense. But that doesn't explain the late night potty trips and why I had the urge to get up and grab pretzels from my pantry and eat them at 1:00 in the morning.
I call the doctor the next day. They won't see me until I'm 8-10 weeks. I inform them of my past history and how I had to take Progesterone during my last pregnancy. They sent me in for some blood work to test my levels. They came back at a 7.5 and they preferred them to be a 10. So I'm back on the pills. I wasn't a bit surprised since I've been taking Progesterone once a month for 10 days out of the month to help with my cycles. I guess my body just doesn't make enough of it. Apparently, it's an easy fix with a pill. I'm thankful for that. I schedule my first appointment for September 23rd.
The time that follows doesn't leave me as anxious as before. I have too much going on at work to even remember that I'm pregnant. I do notice an increase in fatigue, the ladies are sore occasionally, and I do get a tad nauseated every now and then. Other than that, I felt relatively normal. I spoke with Robin (TPT) about my workouts during this time, and we tried to come up with a schedule to accommodate my needs.
Only a few people know at this point. We are telling people on a "need to know" basis right now until the doctor appointment. I'm tracking everything on an app on my phone. At the time of my appointment I calculate that I'm about 7 weeks 3 days. If you were to go off my LMP, I would be further along. However, I informed the doctors that I knew I wasn't that far along due to my longer cycles.
September 23 arrives. I take a half day off of work so I can make the 2:00 appointment. Mr. B takes off the whole day. I get off work around 11:30 and we decide to head to Market Street for some lunch. We finish up just in time to make it to the appointment. I fill out a ton of paperwork. Then I get to go back and do my first ultra sound. We were able to see our little peanut on an external sonogram and see the heartbeat. It was a strong 145 bpm. Next was our visit to the doctor. She said everything looked good. Based on the ultrasound, I'm measuring about 6 weeks and 6 days. Only 4 days away from my calculations. She said that was perfect. We were happy that things looked well. Of course, at this stage last time all things were looking well, too.
We decided to go ahead and tell our parents that evening. They were thrilled with the news. Mr. B's mom was in tears. Everyone knows how long we've been wanting to be parents. How long we've been trying to get pregnant since our last miscarriage. How long it took both of us to feel peace and acceptance at not having kids. I laugh because during the summer after I accepted this new job, I kept telling everyone that I was going to end up pregnant now that I had a new job that would keep me extremely busy. Guess I'm psychic. LOL
I told the doctor that my symptoms weren't that bad. I also told her that I just had an overall better feeling about this pregnancy that I did last time. She informed me that it'll be easier since I'm only pregnant with one baby. I'm also healthier than I was last time due to my working out since January.
I took my first "belly pic" at 7 weeks. I know it just looks like my normal chubby belly, but I know my peanut is in there. We know God is going to take care of us. We pray that He blesses us with this sweet child.
I call the doctor the next day. They won't see me until I'm 8-10 weeks. I inform them of my past history and how I had to take Progesterone during my last pregnancy. They sent me in for some blood work to test my levels. They came back at a 7.5 and they preferred them to be a 10. So I'm back on the pills. I wasn't a bit surprised since I've been taking Progesterone once a month for 10 days out of the month to help with my cycles. I guess my body just doesn't make enough of it. Apparently, it's an easy fix with a pill. I'm thankful for that. I schedule my first appointment for September 23rd.
The time that follows doesn't leave me as anxious as before. I have too much going on at work to even remember that I'm pregnant. I do notice an increase in fatigue, the ladies are sore occasionally, and I do get a tad nauseated every now and then. Other than that, I felt relatively normal. I spoke with Robin (TPT) about my workouts during this time, and we tried to come up with a schedule to accommodate my needs.
Only a few people know at this point. We are telling people on a "need to know" basis right now until the doctor appointment. I'm tracking everything on an app on my phone. At the time of my appointment I calculate that I'm about 7 weeks 3 days. If you were to go off my LMP, I would be further along. However, I informed the doctors that I knew I wasn't that far along due to my longer cycles.
September 23 arrives. I take a half day off of work so I can make the 2:00 appointment. Mr. B takes off the whole day. I get off work around 11:30 and we decide to head to Market Street for some lunch. We finish up just in time to make it to the appointment. I fill out a ton of paperwork. Then I get to go back and do my first ultra sound. We were able to see our little peanut on an external sonogram and see the heartbeat. It was a strong 145 bpm. Next was our visit to the doctor. She said everything looked good. Based on the ultrasound, I'm measuring about 6 weeks and 6 days. Only 4 days away from my calculations. She said that was perfect. We were happy that things looked well. Of course, at this stage last time all things were looking well, too.
We decided to go ahead and tell our parents that evening. They were thrilled with the news. Mr. B's mom was in tears. Everyone knows how long we've been wanting to be parents. How long we've been trying to get pregnant since our last miscarriage. How long it took both of us to feel peace and acceptance at not having kids. I laugh because during the summer after I accepted this new job, I kept telling everyone that I was going to end up pregnant now that I had a new job that would keep me extremely busy. Guess I'm psychic. LOL
I told the doctor that my symptoms weren't that bad. I also told her that I just had an overall better feeling about this pregnancy that I did last time. She informed me that it'll be easier since I'm only pregnant with one baby. I'm also healthier than I was last time due to my working out since January.
I took my first "belly pic" at 7 weeks. I know it just looks like my normal chubby belly, but I know my peanut is in there. We know God is going to take care of us. We pray that He blesses us with this sweet child.
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