The Call

It has taken me a while to get this post written because I needed to process the multitude of emotions I've been feeling these past weeks since my last post. They weren't kidding when they said it would be a roller coaster of emotions on this journey. Let's start at the beginning....

January 14th

This started like any other Sunday. It was the second Sunday of the month. After church I went to meet up with my best gal pals for our monthly lunch. I drove to Plano to meet up for burgers then coffee. We talked all things baby and a little bit of wedding (since one of them is getting married in April). As we were sitting and chatting about my upcoming adventure, in head I was thinking of all the things that I needed to get done on my day off the following day since this baby was coming soon. Then I had the sneaking thought....what if we got the call today? I drive straight from Plano to evening services. Towards the end of services I get up to use the restroom, leaving my phone in the pew. As I'm exiting the restroom to head back to the auditorium, my watch starts vibrating. It's our case worker. I know exactly what that means. We make a quick exit and frantically head home to throw items in a suit case and find the first flight out to Phoenix. Luckily, I'd packed the baby's suitcase a week or so earlier. We were going to get our suit cases packed the next day. You know what they say: the best laid plans.....
As I'm frantically trying to remember what I need to survive on a daily basis to put in my suitcase, I'm also making phone calls and trying to get a flight booked. I finally give in and ask our friends, James and Kelli, to come over and help us out with logistics. As it turned out, we couldn't fly Southwest since there were no more flights for a Sunday evening. We ended up booking the 8:30 on American. By now it was after 6:00. We did make it to our flight with plenty of time to spare. We knew we were in for a long night. We found out that once we landed, we would have to make a 3 hour drive south where our birth mother was located. By the time we landed and got our bags and our car and were on the road, it was after 11:00 pm. We'd been up since 7:30 that morning and going ever since. We completely skipped dinner in all the hustle and bustle. There was no where to stop on the way to where we were going once we got on the road. It was a long, dark drive with Cooper snoring in the passenger seat beside me. We get a text that our baby was born at 11:55 and all looked well. We got a hotel room around 3:00 am and got a few hours of sleep before another long day.

January 15th

We thought we'd be heading to the hospital around 9 that morning. However, it was closer to noon before we got there and got to meet our sweet boy. We spent the whole day in the NICU holding him and feeding him. We took a few moments to sneak out for a good meal at Olive Garden and grab a Starbucks to refuel for the long evening ahead. We decided to head back to our hotel around 10 that evening to get a good night's rest since we knew it would probably be the last one for a long while.

January 16th

We arrive at the hospital a little after 8 that morning. Baby boy had been moved since the previous day. We were surprised to see a young girl sitting in the chair holding him. Immediately, I started having an overwhelming amount of emotions sweep over me. Questions were bouncing around in my head: I thought she didn't want to see him? What does this mean? Has she changed her mind? What happens now? What do I say? What do I do? HELP!!!!
This was our first time to meet her. We'd only spoken on the phone twice since we were matched. She smiles and gets out of the chair and asks if we have a name for him yet. We tell her the name we have chosen for him. She hands the baby over to us and takes a seat across from us. The next few minutes are filled with small talk as we try to get to know this young girl who has just given birth to our son and is making a difficult decision. The whole time I'm watching her expression every time the baby moves or fusses. I can see the pain and sorrow on her face. And I worry. I was told that she may change her mind about seeing him, and that was OK. In fact, it was preferred because it would help give her closure. So I tried to focus on that fact. I had to get up to make a phone call. Cooper was left alone with her and the baby. When I return, she is gone. Cooper said he offered to let her hold him again, and she declined and went to get some breakfast. We sat and waited a few more hours to be discharged. As I'm being wheeled out, they stop us. She wanted to see him one last time. Again, cue the anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to oblige to any request she had because I knew what a great sacrifice she was making. I wanted to make sure that I was kind and gracious to this sweet girl who was giving a piece of her heart to a complete stranger. She had some time with the baby before I entered the room. We held each other and the baby as we cried all the emotional tears. Her tears for a baby she was letting go. My tears for a young, scared girl that was trying to do the best she could. I wanted her to know more than anything that we loved her for her choice and that her baby would be loved and cared for. The pain I felt as they wheeled me out with the baby as she sat and watched can never be truly put in words. I can't even attempt to imagine what was going through her mind as she watches another women she just met be wheeled out with her baby after she had labored hard with him. My heart was breaking for her. We make the 3 hour drive back to Phoenix with our sweet boy as our case manager stays behind with our birth mother to make sure she is alright before she is discharged.

I will never forget my first 3 hours of motherhood and traveling a long distance with a newborn. There is nowhere, and I mean nowhere, to stop on this 3 hour drive. Luckily, we fed and changed him right before we got on the road. However, as we got closer to Phoenix and found a rest stop, we had the feeling a diaper change was needed. And it was. He had a mini blowout. We got that cleaned up and got back on our way. Then as we're about 40 minutes from our destination, he starts to get fussy. We have to pull over in a Loves parking lot. This time, there was so much poop we were in shock and awe. All the while, he is screaming! Messy pants and hangry. As Cooper and I tag team a diaper change in the back of a Ford Focus in the parking lot of Loves, I just keep thinking.....this is our new normal. We get him fed and changed and back on the road. We make it safely to our destination.

We so enjoyed the family we stayed with! They were such a delight with a beautiful home and the coolest kids. I'm sad there is so much distance between us because I'm sure Cooper found his long lost best friend in Aaron. Had our stay continued as planned, I'm sure those two would have had such fun together. We had a long night ahead of us. Poor baby boy would not sleep. He cried every time we put him down. Cooper and I took shifts caring for him throughout the night so we could get a little sleep. It was exhausting for sure.

January 17th

Today we had to go to the agency to finish our part of the paperwork. We were less than 24 hours away from consents being signed. Arizona law says consents cannot be signed for 72 hours after birth. So we were just waiting. When we arrived, I inquired about our birth mom and how she was feeling. They admitted that she was still emotional. She would meet with the counselor later and we would know a little bit more after that. Our case worker was so wonderful. She was so kind and patient with us and did her best to put our minds at ease. I wish I could say that it worked, but I'd be lying. I was a nervous wreck. Something just wasn't sitting right with me after the previous day. But I knew that I had to give it to God and let his plan work. We left the agency and went to Target to get a few things and to grab some food from Chick-fil-A. When we arrived at the house and started to unload the car, I got a phone call from our case worker. I knew at once it wasn't good. We had just left her not an hour earlier. I could tell from the way she uttered my name on her first breath that I was about to have my heart broken into a thousand pieces. I received the news that I was most afraid of....she wasn't going to go through with the adoption. She didn't realize how hard it was going to be, and she just couldn't do it. Oh, how I cried and cried. I had so many emotions going through me all at once. Anger, sadness, bitterness, confusion, regret. You name it, I had it. I even wondered why God was taking another child away from me! I even said that I couldn't do this again. This was the 3rd time I had motherhood ripped away from me. However, once I had time to process and reflect and talk with several people, those feelings began to subside. I will never forget the last time I held him as I fed him. The way Cooper held him while he stared up at him with those big eyes. The moment he was literally taken from our arms and driven away. In some ways, this hurt worse than my own personal losses. We actually held him, clothed him, changed him, fed him, loved him, and even named him. I never got that far with either of my pregnancies.

A phone call to Dana really helped me get through those hard moments following his departure. As we talked, I knew that our story wasn't finished. We had so much love to give to a child who needs it. We weren't stopping. She told us that we'd go to the top of the list and we'd have our sweet baby. She put us in contact with 2 other families who were in Phoenix awaiting the adoption of their little ones, too. We connected with a couple from Indiana who was there adopting their second baby. We spent all of Thursday with them and their family. We met a couple from West Virginia who was there awaiting the arrival of their second adopted child. They have walked a similar journey with plans that didn't work out. It was really an inspiration talking with them. We've been talking ever since. As I'm writing this, they are awaiting the paper work to bring their sweet boy home. The outpouring of love and support from Christians that we just met was indescribable. To feel that love and support through a difficult time when you're far from home and far from friends and family is a blessing.

January 18th

We spent today visiting with a family from Indiana. We played with their kids and had a great visit. They were staying with the parents of the family we were staying with. It was a beautiful day on a beautiful piece of property in Arizona. We spent the whole day with them. We enjoyed a delicious dinner and even some games before heading back and getting ready for our trip back home the next day.
We returned home the next day.

Now what?

Well we've been back two weeks. It's been nice to be back in our normal routine. I'm a girl who thrives on that routine. The baby's bag is still packed. The nursery is under construction. Paint is finished. Floors are installed. The closet is finished. It's time to add furniture and wall decor. We know that our baby is coming. That Tuesday after we came back, we received a text from our case worker about a potential baby. We found out that Thursday that it didn't work out, but that she was trying! This past Friday afternoon we received another possible baby that is being born on February 14th. Our profile will be shown on Tuesday. So now we wait. We wait to see if we've been chosen to be the parents of this Valentines baby. We wait to see if God has another baby planned for us. As we wait, we wait knowing that God is faithful. His plan far outweighs our own. Each day is a new struggle. I've had many sleepless nights since our return. I've shed many tears, and will probably continue to do so. But I know this is a journey. One day I hope to look back on all this and say, "This was all worth it. YOU were all worth it!"

I shared this verse the day we found out the adoption fell through. I feel this verse is truly fitting the situation we are in: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."  Romans 12:12